How to Fix the Blazers, Part 1.

Big Shot Rob has asked me to fix my beloved Trailblazers. This is how we do it.

1. Say goodbye to Darius Miles. Wondering what we do then for small forward? NOTHING. NO SMALL FORWARD. We go Randolph and Ratliff down low, and let our guards do the heavy lifting.
2. Say goodbye to Derek Anderson. Van Exel has made him expendable. Get a center for him.
3. DO NOT say goodbye to Shareef Abdur-Raheem. Let him be SF when he gets back from injury, a special kind of SF who doesn't actually play SF.
4. Um, Joel Przybilla? You are not a starting center. You're getting better, but you needs to just chill on the bench a while longer. Focus on being the seventh or eighth man. And work on the hands, man, you should be the Young American Sabonis but you're all Roberto Duran out there, it's scary.
5. It has been proven by science that only one of our two point/shooting guards can play well on any given night. Therefore, start both Van Exel and Stoudamire, and yank whoever puts up more bricks/airballs after 6 minutes, substituting Telfair. In the second half, do the same thing. This will make the first part of each half VERY INTERESTING, it'd be like a Plus1 game! I volunteer to be the on-court narrator. "OH, did you SEE that? That was SICKENING to the very CORE of MY BEING!"
6. Dump Khryapa, find us an Eastern European who can get mad sick with the dribbling. People love to watch the white guys dribble.
7. SIGN YUTA TABUSE.
8. Give Maurice Cheeks a 25-year extension, just so he can calm down a little. Plus: Jumbotron all his best facial expressions in a little inset box: Astonished! Disgusted! Laughing at life's absurdity!
9. For god's sake go back to the original uniforms, with the lowercase letters and the straight-up version of the logo instead of that italicized crapola you've been foisting upon us.
10. GET ONE DUNKER TO ELECTRIFY THE CROWD K THX BYE SEE YA IN THE PLAYOFFS

P.S. This is kind of very Chris Ryan of me but I have to say it after last night's Bucks game, my guys are all like Houston rappers en la casa:

Who Is Mike James? The Album

Paul Wall, the iced-out gringo

a phone call with Chris H

Chris H is my buddy from way back, we were neighbors in Brooklyn but knew each other before that. We went to several Knicks games with this dude Carlo and Chairman Jeff Mao, hanging up in the nosebleed seats at MSG, booing Anthony Mason. (Saw Shaq there his rookie year; also saw Charles Barkley try to fight every single Knick and two referees at the end of a game, total classic.) Every Saturday morning we and Chris D. would sit and watch all the taped "Batman: The Animated Series" episodes for the week while drinking coffee and doing fantastic damage to a box of donuts. Then Chris D. would leave and Chris H. and I would bullshit for hours about the NBA.

So he called me tonight and here is our opinion about many things.

Isiah Thomas: crap. CH: "It's a good time to be an Isiah-hater."
Stephon Marbury: strong, about to be dealt with Kurt Thomas.
Kurt Thomas: the better Thomas brother.
Tim Thomas: garbage.
LeBron Jesus: oh our GAWD. Me: "Okay, I believe the hype now." CH: "I believed it from day one. Dude isn't just a scorer, either; he actually passes the ball. Amazing."
Dwyane Wade: oh our GAWD. Absolute stud.
T.J. Ford: saddest story in the NBA. We both kind of hope he never plays again, one really shouldn't futz with a SPINAL INJURY. But I'm a Bucks fan, so I'm a little softer on that stance. Still though: speedy.
Sebastian Telfair: could be T.J. Ford in a few years. Like, five. If he ever bulks up to 140 lbs. and learns to drive to the hoop.
Derek Anderson: CH: "The Blazers need a shooting guard. Anderson: eh." Me: "We should deal Shareef and Van Exel for someone." CH: "Who would take Van Exel?"
Latrell Sprewell: BOTH, AT THE SAME TIME: "Shareef and Van Exel for Sprewell! It's perfect!"
Kobe Bryant: Asshole.
Shaquille O'Neal: Sweetie-pie, finally, again.
Yao Ming: lost. CH: "All these people who say 'Yao's garbage,' that's bullshit. He's a great player." Me: "Not on my fantasy team." CH: "We're not talking about that, we're talking about the NBA. All this stereotyped crap I hear about 'oh his culture, he'll never be an assertive player'...BULLSHIT." Me: "Still, he's lost, though." CH: "Oh yeah, right now, yeah."
Steve Francis: we don't like him, but he's useful.
Bob Sura: has been in the league too long to take any crap from Steve Francis.
Dwight Howard: good rookie. CH: "He's the real deal!"
Seattle: I was wrong, they're great. We both decided on that.
Josh Smith: a really good rookie. CH saw him against the Knicks, and thinks he's awesome. I saw him block Shaq from two feet on SportsCenter, that's dope.
Doug Christie: eh. CH didn't know about the wife thing, I filled him in.
Sacramento: garbage.

Some others but this is too long already. Don't be surprised if CH is the next member of Post Up Moves.

PWN3D by the Mouse

Intercepted Transmission

--Douglas. I am not happy about this.
--I'm sorry, sweetie, there's nothing I can do about it.
--Don't you "sweetie" me. A man would do something about it. Chris Webber would do something about it.
--Honey, you know as well as I do that players have no control over a trade. If the Kings want me to go to Orlando, I have to go.
--Douglas, I have spent considerable time and energy on establishing myself here as a force with which to be reckoned. Do you think I'm going to give all that up just because you can't emerge as a star of the same magnitude?
--Sugar-puss, listen. The Magic are a much better team than the Kings. They're giving up two players for me, even though I am one of the most frustratingly inconsistent players in the NBA. It's a step up, professionally and reputationally.
--Douglas, what were you before I pulled you up by my bootstraps at Pepperdine?
--A ball of potential with no direction.
--What are you now?
--[A swingman who doesn't swing, a laughing stock, a dude so lame that even beer-bellied internet assholes feel free to take pot-shots at me with impunity. And it's all because of my devotion to you, and your campaign to make sure I'm under lock and key every minute of every day.] An NBA star, dear.
--Okay then.
--...
--I guess it is kind of impressive that you are worth two humans, even if one is Cuttino Mobley and the other one is injured.
--I know, right?
--And Orlando is much more interesting than Sacramento.
--You're bigger than this town, honey. I'll take you to Disney World every day of the off-season.
--Okay, let's pack.
[smooches. end transmission]

"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls."

okay here's the deal

Rob and I have really fallen down on this whole Artest thing, but we didn't know what to say. Ultimately, the best take on it can be found here, with this a close second. (Actually the comments on SportsFilter are pretty good too, even if some of them are on some white-flight bullshit.)

I'm not going to get into all that, it's been endlessly debated, people who hate sports have their opinions, etc. Oh, and Bill Walton, coming off like the saint of the NBA when you always pussed out of the fights you helped to propagate and let Maurice Lucas do all your fighting for you (and then paid him back by naming your Grateful-Dead-loving-fourth-banana son after him to get some karmic payback but it isn't going to work), and hung out and lived with friends of the Symbionese Liberation Army, and sued the Trail Blazers for messing up your foot (they threw it out of court after ONE QUESTION: "How much cocaine were you doing?")...FURB. You're everything that was bad about the 1970s, nobody thinks you're a good hoops analyst, your shtick is tired and your taste in music is execrable and you have no friends.

All I'm saying is anyone who thinks they can throw a cup at Ron Motherfucking Artest without starting a Panic In Detroit is a stupid person. I wish John Gr33n had gotten some of what Fat Pistons' Jersey Fan got, but it's over and we shall speak no more of this matter. To paraphrase the uncle in that William Saroyan short story, "IT IS OF NO IMPORTANCE! PAY NO ATTENTION TO IT!"

In other news: Andrei Kirilenko is a stone cold killer, I have a big crush on Yuta Tabuse, and Rashard Lewis is making me look like an idiot. I based my Seattle hatred on two things: blatant Oregon bias, and my observation last year that Ray Allen can't stand the spotlight being on anyone else (a.k.a. Lewis or Flip Murray) and will start siphoning off points and touches to make himself look better. That still might happen...but actually Allen will have to miss some time when Kobe pops his arm out the socket for Allen's press-diss, so Lewis will have carte verde to keep up his bananas shooting.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Matt is just bitter because he had Lewis on his fantasy team last year and suffered with the post-Allen scoring drought. This was one of the reasons he lost the title...with two days to go...TO ROB.]

Anyway, um, Grant Hill blah blah blah Vlade Divac blah blah blah Denver blah blah blah.

reader frickin' mail

Dear Mr. Moves,

I am writing to offer some constructive criticism about your adorable, if misinformed and primitive, little weblog -- or "log," if you prefer.

I must disagree with your assessments of several teams. ITEM ONE: I hope you are not a habitue of Kool-Aid, as it will rot your teeth. It appears that you are in danger of this sad fate, as you are sipping a little too much on the Phoenix Kool-Aid if you think they will beat my beloved Lakers. Don't you know that we have been very effective for many of the past few years? Now that we finally got rid of ineffective Mr. O'Neil, that nice young man Mr. Bryant will finally get to be a star. Phoenix is fine, but Steve Nash is a nightmare in sneakers, and Shawn Marion is just average.

ITEM TWO: Where is the acclaim for the Seattle Supersonics? They are off to a blazing start! You probably cannot remember back to last year, but they are very good at getting off to a blazing start. I feel confident that they, unlike last year, will do very well. I like that clean-cut Ray Allen, star of court and screen. I cannot say I approve much of Mr. Rashard Lewis' new hair, though; it is unnecessarily showy.

ITEM THREE: Marijuana is a very bad thing. You probably know that, as you are high as kites for not thinking about Charlotte. Traditionally, as you know, new teams always win many games, as they have the advantage of surprise. You'd do well to emulate their early success.

I also want to say, in the nicest way possible, that this site is poorly edited, badly written, half-baked, only three-quarter-arsed, and in need of an overall vision. Plus, y'all are just imitators of that young Chris Ryan anyway. As we used to say in summer camp up in the Adirondacks, "Get off the bozack."

Sincerely,

Edna Misinformed, D.D.S.

eff a NBA, roll with the FIBA euroleague

Dude if you really want to know what's going down you will hit this stuff immediately. It's insane European basketball and it's awesomely populated with top stars like Panteleimon Papaioakeim (team: Iraklis Therassoniki), Omer Onan (team: Fenerbahce), Michael McDonald (team: Anwil Wloclawek), and Sergerio Gipson (top scorer for Amsterdam's team the Demon Astronauts and no, I'm not fucking kidding you). These are the guys that will be over here pulling down monster paycheques next year, better get to know them while you can. Plus you get the deft prose to describe games: "2000 spectators saw second home victory of BC Khimki and first lose of Strasbourg in 2004/5 FEL. Russian side played preety good defense in first half and they had 13 points' advantge after 20 minutes."

You wanna talk about preety good defense, you will be talking about Carlos Boozer. I haven't weighed in on Boozer yet, but let me say this: he has become Shiva, destroyer of worlds down in the SLC. His sick fantasy digits have enlightened my team muchly so far, especially the 25 point 19 rebound magilla he put up vs. Denver on Monday. Utah is still looking for their first lose of the season, while Denver's starting to seem like maybe just a little bit overrated on account that they're not very good yet. Carmelo is adorbs but spotty; Marcus Camry is Marcus Camry; Andre Miller played for Arizona NUFF SAID; and Kenyon Martin is STILL pouting that his summer series with Redman went nowhere. Keep smilin' yo, my daughter and I watched it faithfully. Beth Littleford IS kind of hot, isn't she?


K-Mart says "Nene, yr Brazilian arse must needs stay out my way k thx bye"

Other thoughts: Houston will still win the West, even though they look pretty crap right now. I love how hoop scribes have all condemned some teams to death after only three or four games. Also, Bill Simmons' ESPN preview was PHONED THE FUCK IN this year: he was clearly running behind and in need of deadline meetage (although it wasn't fast enough, eff a preview that starts after the season begins) (and eff his buddy Chipper, no one up here was even talking about Brian Skinner). His fake Yao was funny, though. But still: Rockets might struggle early, but they have a team.

Y'know who else has a team is that Orlando Magic. Hoo-doggy: Steve On-His-Second-Franchise is rockin' the one-sleeve Iverson look and throwing down tomahawk dunks on entire voting precincts down there. Dwight Howard is playing some good puppy-dog ball, and even Kelvin Cato looked useful. I almost caught the vapors and picked him up for my team until I realized the iron-clad rule: never pick up anyone who used to play for the Trail Blazers. So I picked up Brian Grant instead because I still love him. Then I dumped Grant because HE GOT MIHMED.

I was going to say something else but I forgot. More later.

2004-2005, All Wrapped Up With a Lovely Little Bow.

Here are my pre-season playoff picks for this season. They're not going to be anywhere near correct, so don't bother to rub anything in my face when the season's over.

Eastern Conference:
1. Indiana
2. Philadelphia
3. Miami
4. Detroit
5. Cleveland
6. Orlando
7. Milwaukee
8. Atlanta

Western Conference:
1. Houston
2. Phoenix
3. Utah
4. San Antonio
5. Denver
6. Dallas
7. Los Angeles
8. Minnesota

Yes, I know, I have overestimated Utah, underestimated S.A., and "failed" to pick Sacramento or New York. Mostly, that is because I kind of hate the Knicks and Chris Webber. Also, I think we're just looking at seismic disturbances in the league this year, and it's gonna be really really really fun.

For the record, I think the Eastern Conf. finals will be Indiana v. Detroit, with the Pacers winning in 6 games; they will face Houston (fresh off beating the Lakers in the finals) for the championship, and the Rockets will win.

And yeah, this means no playoffs for the PDX this year (I hope I'm wrong) and a #7 seed for the Bucks. Man, realignment did us no damn favors at all.

Two-Fer Preview: Cavs vs. Mavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers. Subtext: Our city is an undeserved national punchline, but we don't really care because we've got swords and devil-may-care chivalry.

The Dallas Mavericks. Subtext: Our city is a smog-choked right-wing mess with horrid ghettos, but we think of ourselves as wild horses running free like Texan horses should.

Two teams standing on the precipice of getting it on. Two teams whose abbreviated nicknames happen to rhyme. Two teams that look to be among the NBA elite, which says more about the NBA than about either team. Actually, I'm thrilled about the wide open space that is the Association this year. Its ass is like whoa. Games will be fun to watch this year, even between crap teams like the Hawks (who will sneak out the 8th playoff berth but their fans won't care) and the Clips (who I don't care about except Corey Maggette better get a triple double every game or my fantasy team is FUXXORED).

But enuf about that. Like a very unstable DJ, can I get A DOUBLE BREAKDOWN?:

POINT GUARD
Cavs: Jeff McInnis/Eric Snow; Mavs: Jason Terry/Devin Harris
Advantage: MAVERICKS.

And here's why: Devin Harris is a MONSTER. I live in Madison, where he played his college ball, and the man is beloved here, because he's the nicest court assassin to ever strap on some shoes. He's sweet, soft-spoken, humble, all that -- but I've seen him do some court stuff so nasty they should call it Heather Hunter. Seriously, I see him taking Terry's job away by mid-season and rocking six assists and 14 ppg. He's my pre-season Rookie of the Year. No offense to (ballhog) Jeff Mac or Eric (weird-shaped head) Snizzle, or even to J. "Never officially played in the NBA" T., but Devin da Dude is ruud like van nistelrooy.

SHOOTING GUARD
Cavs: LeBron Jesus; Mavs: Michael Finley
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Um, DUH. Love to Mav's other Badger, but come on, damn, shut up already. LBJ should be the Philadelphia Mint because he is money.

SMALL FORWARD
Cavs: Luuuuuuuuke Jackson; Mavs: Joooooooosh Howard
Advantage: NEITHER

And here's why: eh. Jackson might become the first Oregon Duck to start in the NBA in ages and ages (that's my other team, okay, but we were soft like pre-Viagra Bob Dole), but Howard is the exact same kind of player, and neither one gives me a good feeling. Not a wash, more of a drain. If someone steps up, that team will be happy.

POWER FORWARD
Cavs: Drew Gooden; Mavs: Dirk Nowitski
Advantage: MAVERICKS BUT NOT BY AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU RACISTS

And here's why: Dirk's good, but he's not that much better than Drew, who is gonna have most of a great breakout season. Even Rob thinks so. I anticipate that Dirk's gonna fade without running buddy Nash-o. And I am well-known as a prognosticator.

CENTER
Cavs: Zydrunas "Licensed to" Ilgauskas; Mavs: Erick Dampier
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Z Dawg is gold, E Dump is silver. Burl Ives' "Silver and Gold" is better than U2's "Silver and Gold." Cavs have a scorer who can rebound, Mavs have a rebounder who can score...but only late in the game, after the real centers are all tucked into their beds dreaming about ladies who have gone through Kanye's Workout Plan.

BENCH
Advantage: Cavaliers

And here's why: Trust me on this one. I'd elaborate but my daughter had a sleepover last night and I have to go make pancakes.

COACH
Cavs: Paul Silas; Mavs: Don Nelson
Advantage: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FOR REAL? PAUL M*****F****** SILAS YOU IDIOTS

And here's why: Nelly is busy with his new double-album (failure to have heat in a 1920s-themed video with Christina Aguilera: to be fully expected), while Paul M*****F****** Silas is seeking some damn redemption fer chrissake. Come on.

FINAL ANALYSIS
I'm an idiot, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think this is a great opportunity for the Cavs if they don't muck it up. Obviously, both teams will be very good in their respective conferences. But no one's thinking about Cleveland, and they will be top-shelf. They might even win their damn division and get some good mojo going into the playoffs. If Drew Gooden has his expected-by-me-and-Rob bustup 'how the hell did he do that' year, and if ZI stays healthy all year, the Cavs will be facing off with someone at least in the semifinals. And if Dallas realizes the goodness and awesomisity of Devin Harris, they'll win a series and then fade because ERICK DAMPIER WILL NEVER WIN AN NBA TITLE.

I'm Gaga for Zaza: Milwaukee '04 NBA Champs!

Okay, probably not. But just in case, y'know? Because anything can happen this year. It's all wide open, the Bobcats might make the playoffs, the T-Wolves might be back in the lottery spot, who knows? Hell, the Sox came back from 0-3 and then made a snuff film out of the Cardinals, Kerry's looking good in the polls and the Dems are lawyered up this time, I finally found my copy of Carlinhos Brown's Omelete Man, so I'll be the one to take the bold step and call it for the Bucks this year.

With, of course, the caveat that they won't win. There's no way, I know that. But let me dream. Let's say "Who Is" Mike James kicks it in the absence of T.J. Ford; let's say Keith Van Morrison doesn't suck; let's say Joe Smith plays for a year the way he played for a whole two months last year; let's say Michael Redd is everything he was last year and more. That's a strong-ass foursome right there, except for Keith and probably Joe. And maybe Mike.

Okay, so Michael "Too Fucking Great for a Nickname" Redd is our only really good player, and he's probably too level-headed and team-focused to really take shit over. And okay, so we have an enigma at center. But what an enigma! I think Daniel Santiago is a good center for what he is, which is the Boricua Lurch. Witness:



Santiago pretty much singlehandedly escuelaed the miercoles out of "Team USA" in Athens this summer, and it looks like he's got more mobility this year, which means he broke into a trot, briefly, once. But he's not the answer. And, sadly, neither is Dan "gad zoor EECH" Gadzuric. I'm a big fan of Danny G, so is Jerry in the office, and Jerry is a retired dentist turned phone salesman so he knows everything. Gadzooks is a very handsome, very appealing, very hardworking guy; probably the only good thing ever to come out of the UCLA.

But he is not the answer. I'm throwing my delegates to Zaza Pachulia for three reasons. First, his fucking name is ZAZA PACHULIA, okay. Second, he got punched by Lorenzen Wright for throwin' 'bows and did not fade. (This was witnessed live in Memphoose by my man Chris Herringbone whom I am trying to get on this site as a writer.) Third, this quote, which I filched from the Milwaukee Urinal: "My game is just to put all my energy on the floor when I come into the game. I hustle and do my best on the floor. It is the coaches' decision, so I do whatever the coach says. I shall be ready for everything."

And dig him, he's adorable:


But here's the real reasons Milwaukee (which will not probably win it all but still I'm calling it now so you'll remember it was me) will have a great year this year:

A. Terry Porter, who looks like that bald dude who led the gang in Weird Science, remember him, he was ug-e-lee, Terry's cuter than that, but still there is kind of a resemblance. He should have been Coach of the Year last year in his FIRST YEAR COACHING, this year he'll get shafted too, he's a great frickin' coach who will not get taken seriously while dickweeds like [name lame white coach who keeps getting jobs after sucking everywhere here] get all the mad press, it's not racism but it is anti-Bucks-ism which is the same thing but very very different. Plus Porter's got Jerome Kersey as an assistant, which warms my cockles indeed, Blazer reunion awwwwww.

(T.P., runnin' thangz:)


B. Great bench support: Erick Strickland and Mau-Mau Williams and Desmond Mason are no joke sitting there waiting their turn to come in and pound on some people. Marcus Haislip will put up a couple of 20-pointers this year, watch the dunks from that guy too.

C. Michael Redd shouldering the burden ONCE AGAIN.

D. My love and support, what the hell else does a team need?

D-Unit Squads Up: Insert Lame Pistons Pun Here

I wouldn't know an Antonio McDyess if if bit me in the ass.

So I'm hoping one never does, as I have a very sensitive ass; and so I also cannot say the same thing many are saying, which is "O the Pistons they're gonna be so much better this year O man McDyess blah blah Darko after one year in the league hoody-hoo mama". Which, if you think about it, is a pretty stupid thing for many to be saying. Makes no sense.

And you know what else doesn't make sense, TRANSITION ERROR PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER Okay, fine. But I still don't know why a lot of people don't really seem convinced by what they're saying out loud. I can count on my three hands the number of people I've read that have gone on for days and weeks and months and almost over a year about the Pistons, only to end up picking the Heat because they have Shaquille O'Neilsen Ratings. As Jinx the Cat says, "Har har, it is to laugh." I'd pick Detroit over Miami in a heartbeat, because they already just beat Shaq on a better team, and because the Heat is rolling three deep AT MOST and I can't remember one of 'em.

And Detwah didn't just beat L.A., okay, they gave them the good old Viva La Sabat. (Second "Pixie and Dixie" reference, must post picture. Scuse me.)


No, it's pretty clear that it's Detroit's conference to lose; but they will, and it's going to be to whatever team runs the Detroit style of 2004 better in 2005. Yeah, those Wallaces are gonna complement each other's strengths (and compliment each other, much like Pixie and Dixie always did) e'en better than be'efore, and Chauncey is gonna be Chauncey, and we always loved that whole whisper-thin William Powell/Myrna Loy groove settled into by Tayshaun and Rip.

But come on, this whole "we love to play as a team," no stars, hard-working defense-minded athlete thing is just not a new development. I see Indiana doing this better this year, because they have a new Johnson they never had before; I see my Bucks doing this, although not in the same echelon; we got Cleveland in the same mold too. And I think that the Pistons' karma from last year will find some kind of breakdown, and I'm not sure that Larry B (despite his hot wife) will find the mojo this year. I mean, Darvin Ham? Lindsey Hunter? They're less bench-solid than they were last year, there will be more scrutiny of them so less under-radar-slippage, all that. I pick them #2 in their conference and they lose the championships in 6 games and whoever they lose to goes on to lose in 6 in the Finals.

Who they lose to, I still haven't figured out. But I won't lie to you: Detroit's powerful, but they're no dynasty. And neither were the Lakers.

I hope I'm wrong; I love Rasheeeeeed-Unit. I've been moved to inappropriate workplace swearage over this issue, but let me say it once and plainly: R.Wallace gets jobbed by the officials, he was right about the league's hunger for young dudes, he was right that David Stern makes a healthy sum -- it's like, duh, he's the commish, but it's still true -- and he was right that he could be the glue to hold a team together on its bad days.

This year, Detroit will have more bad days than last year's team. Nevertheless, they'll still be a very good team that just won't be good enough, because the copy is always better than the original. Damn.

Wow, check this out: Jinx was actually Stacey Koons!:

Oy Vey, Baby: Blazers 2004-2005, Down the Tubes Like Usual

"Voting is something that is very important to me. Being raised in Alabama - the home of the civil rights movement, you learn to understand the importance of basic rights." - Theo Ratliff

I couldn't agree more with the Rattler. (By the way, lamest attempt to come up with a nickname, ever. This whole Nickname Frenzy thing hasn't been cute for many many many years, I consider the NBA's shark-jumping moment to be the advent of advertising monikers "Sir Charles" and "Mr. Robinson" as NBA-sponsored nicknames, and I'm not sure we've really jumped back.) Get out there and exercise your right to vote, Americans.

I'm starting by abandoning my age-old allegiance to the Trail Blazers. I've been a fan ever since moving to Oregon at like age 4 or whatever it was, but I'm walking away from them like this was Omelas. They've slipped to #2, for the reasons we all know by now: they suck and they're not much fun to watch.

Ah but there's hope:

Oh yes, Mo Cheeks is bubbling and effusive over his fourth-string guard on NBA.com! The second-year pro from Gonzalez is a hard-working hustling guy with a lot of heart: in other words, he's whiting himself into the rotation. That's awesome, good for him, Portland needed its white guy. I bet Nick Van Exel is up late, surfing the web, all like "DAMN, what can a brother do to get some praise on the official NBA website?"

I'm not hopeful for the Van Exel era in the PDX. I think he's a great player, but I also think he's this year's scapegoat. It ain't gonna be Zach Randolph, running things with his infant face and big bald head and Most Improved Player award. (I was once the Most Improved Bowler in our 6th-grade bowling league. All that meant was that I sucked before.) And it ain't gonna be Damon "I Peed in a Cup for You Portland" "Reinvigorated and Rehabilitated" "Comin' on Strong at the End of the Year for Matt's Fantasy Basketball Team but a Streaky Gunna and Still With Bad Shot Selection" Stoudamire.

Nor will the fans turn on Theo "Huxtable" Ratliff (a much improved nickname, and opens the door for Shareef A to the R to be Cockroach, until he's traded and Port-diggy gets someone lame in exchange and regrets it when Shareef gets a revenge boost and puts up 50 for five games in a row), because Portland people love the D like ladies in that Twista/R. Kelly song.

But there's more candidates for G.O.A.T., which in this case does not mean Greatest Of All Time but in fact Goat Of A Terribleseasonfortheblazers. Qyntel "Who Let the Dog Out, Oh Yeah, It Was Me, What a Shitheel" Woods will never see the hardwood, they'll figure out a way to unload him, too many dog lovers in the five oh thrizzy, it's over, he's Bill O'Reilly now. Many people will continue to bitch and moan about Sebastian "Sebastian Telfair Is Sebastian Telfair" Telfair until he has his first 10-assist game, at which point they'll love him, but there won't be many of them.

Here's the key to the Trail Blazers' season: DEREK ANDERSON. He's this year's star; I can tell because all the Blazerdancers list him as their current favorite Blazer. (Although some still have the "Bonzi Wells" and "Rasheed Wallace" tags up, bad form.) This year, DA1 comes correct and becomes the leading scorer for the Tribbianis, Damon gets mad and pouts until he realizes that he's a better PG than shooter, so he works really really hard at it and gets the starting nod, so then Van Exel pouts until he gets hurt. Up front, they go with a Randolph/Abdur-Rahim/Ratliff combo, great stuff until the other teams realize that those guys are a little soft. A team's in trouble when they have to bring Joel Pryzbilla off the bench for a little muscle.

Overall, an okay year for the Blazers because the new conference will mean a lot of confusion, and we're better than the Sonics. Of course, if the Abdur-Rahim for Ray Allen trade happens, all bets are off.

Damn I said "we" a lot, there, didn't I? I guess I still have a crush on an old girlfriend after all.