Two-Fer Preview: Cavs vs. Mavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers. Subtext: Our city is an undeserved national punchline, but we don't really care because we've got swords and devil-may-care chivalry.

The Dallas Mavericks. Subtext: Our city is a smog-choked right-wing mess with horrid ghettos, but we think of ourselves as wild horses running free like Texan horses should.

Two teams standing on the precipice of getting it on. Two teams whose abbreviated nicknames happen to rhyme. Two teams that look to be among the NBA elite, which says more about the NBA than about either team. Actually, I'm thrilled about the wide open space that is the Association this year. Its ass is like whoa. Games will be fun to watch this year, even between crap teams like the Hawks (who will sneak out the 8th playoff berth but their fans won't care) and the Clips (who I don't care about except Corey Maggette better get a triple double every game or my fantasy team is FUXXORED).

But enuf about that. Like a very unstable DJ, can I get A DOUBLE BREAKDOWN?:

POINT GUARD
Cavs: Jeff McInnis/Eric Snow; Mavs: Jason Terry/Devin Harris
Advantage: MAVERICKS.

And here's why: Devin Harris is a MONSTER. I live in Madison, where he played his college ball, and the man is beloved here, because he's the nicest court assassin to ever strap on some shoes. He's sweet, soft-spoken, humble, all that -- but I've seen him do some court stuff so nasty they should call it Heather Hunter. Seriously, I see him taking Terry's job away by mid-season and rocking six assists and 14 ppg. He's my pre-season Rookie of the Year. No offense to (ballhog) Jeff Mac or Eric (weird-shaped head) Snizzle, or even to J. "Never officially played in the NBA" T., but Devin da Dude is ruud like van nistelrooy.

SHOOTING GUARD
Cavs: LeBron Jesus; Mavs: Michael Finley
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Um, DUH. Love to Mav's other Badger, but come on, damn, shut up already. LBJ should be the Philadelphia Mint because he is money.

SMALL FORWARD
Cavs: Luuuuuuuuke Jackson; Mavs: Joooooooosh Howard
Advantage: NEITHER

And here's why: eh. Jackson might become the first Oregon Duck to start in the NBA in ages and ages (that's my other team, okay, but we were soft like pre-Viagra Bob Dole), but Howard is the exact same kind of player, and neither one gives me a good feeling. Not a wash, more of a drain. If someone steps up, that team will be happy.

POWER FORWARD
Cavs: Drew Gooden; Mavs: Dirk Nowitski
Advantage: MAVERICKS BUT NOT BY AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU RACISTS

And here's why: Dirk's good, but he's not that much better than Drew, who is gonna have most of a great breakout season. Even Rob thinks so. I anticipate that Dirk's gonna fade without running buddy Nash-o. And I am well-known as a prognosticator.

CENTER
Cavs: Zydrunas "Licensed to" Ilgauskas; Mavs: Erick Dampier
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Z Dawg is gold, E Dump is silver. Burl Ives' "Silver and Gold" is better than U2's "Silver and Gold." Cavs have a scorer who can rebound, Mavs have a rebounder who can score...but only late in the game, after the real centers are all tucked into their beds dreaming about ladies who have gone through Kanye's Workout Plan.

BENCH
Advantage: Cavaliers

And here's why: Trust me on this one. I'd elaborate but my daughter had a sleepover last night and I have to go make pancakes.

COACH
Cavs: Paul Silas; Mavs: Don Nelson
Advantage: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FOR REAL? PAUL M*****F****** SILAS YOU IDIOTS

And here's why: Nelly is busy with his new double-album (failure to have heat in a 1920s-themed video with Christina Aguilera: to be fully expected), while Paul M*****F****** Silas is seeking some damn redemption fer chrissake. Come on.

FINAL ANALYSIS
I'm an idiot, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think this is a great opportunity for the Cavs if they don't muck it up. Obviously, both teams will be very good in their respective conferences. But no one's thinking about Cleveland, and they will be top-shelf. They might even win their damn division and get some good mojo going into the playoffs. If Drew Gooden has his expected-by-me-and-Rob bustup 'how the hell did he do that' year, and if ZI stays healthy all year, the Cavs will be facing off with someone at least in the semifinals. And if Dallas realizes the goodness and awesomisity of Devin Harris, they'll win a series and then fade because ERICK DAMPIER WILL NEVER WIN AN NBA TITLE.