Oy Vey, Baby: Blazers 2004-2005, Down the Tubes Like Usual

"Voting is something that is very important to me. Being raised in Alabama - the home of the civil rights movement, you learn to understand the importance of basic rights." - Theo Ratliff

I couldn't agree more with the Rattler. (By the way, lamest attempt to come up with a nickname, ever. This whole Nickname Frenzy thing hasn't been cute for many many many years, I consider the NBA's shark-jumping moment to be the advent of advertising monikers "Sir Charles" and "Mr. Robinson" as NBA-sponsored nicknames, and I'm not sure we've really jumped back.) Get out there and exercise your right to vote, Americans.

I'm starting by abandoning my age-old allegiance to the Trail Blazers. I've been a fan ever since moving to Oregon at like age 4 or whatever it was, but I'm walking away from them like this was Omelas. They've slipped to #2, for the reasons we all know by now: they suck and they're not much fun to watch.

Ah but there's hope:

Oh yes, Mo Cheeks is bubbling and effusive over his fourth-string guard on NBA.com! The second-year pro from Gonzalez is a hard-working hustling guy with a lot of heart: in other words, he's whiting himself into the rotation. That's awesome, good for him, Portland needed its white guy. I bet Nick Van Exel is up late, surfing the web, all like "DAMN, what can a brother do to get some praise on the official NBA website?"

I'm not hopeful for the Van Exel era in the PDX. I think he's a great player, but I also think he's this year's scapegoat. It ain't gonna be Zach Randolph, running things with his infant face and big bald head and Most Improved Player award. (I was once the Most Improved Bowler in our 6th-grade bowling league. All that meant was that I sucked before.) And it ain't gonna be Damon "I Peed in a Cup for You Portland" "Reinvigorated and Rehabilitated" "Comin' on Strong at the End of the Year for Matt's Fantasy Basketball Team but a Streaky Gunna and Still With Bad Shot Selection" Stoudamire.

Nor will the fans turn on Theo "Huxtable" Ratliff (a much improved nickname, and opens the door for Shareef A to the R to be Cockroach, until he's traded and Port-diggy gets someone lame in exchange and regrets it when Shareef gets a revenge boost and puts up 50 for five games in a row), because Portland people love the D like ladies in that Twista/R. Kelly song.

But there's more candidates for G.O.A.T., which in this case does not mean Greatest Of All Time but in fact Goat Of A Terribleseasonfortheblazers. Qyntel "Who Let the Dog Out, Oh Yeah, It Was Me, What a Shitheel" Woods will never see the hardwood, they'll figure out a way to unload him, too many dog lovers in the five oh thrizzy, it's over, he's Bill O'Reilly now. Many people will continue to bitch and moan about Sebastian "Sebastian Telfair Is Sebastian Telfair" Telfair until he has his first 10-assist game, at which point they'll love him, but there won't be many of them.

Here's the key to the Trail Blazers' season: DEREK ANDERSON. He's this year's star; I can tell because all the Blazerdancers list him as their current favorite Blazer. (Although some still have the "Bonzi Wells" and "Rasheed Wallace" tags up, bad form.) This year, DA1 comes correct and becomes the leading scorer for the Tribbianis, Damon gets mad and pouts until he realizes that he's a better PG than shooter, so he works really really hard at it and gets the starting nod, so then Van Exel pouts until he gets hurt. Up front, they go with a Randolph/Abdur-Rahim/Ratliff combo, great stuff until the other teams realize that those guys are a little soft. A team's in trouble when they have to bring Joel Pryzbilla off the bench for a little muscle.

Overall, an okay year for the Blazers because the new conference will mean a lot of confusion, and we're better than the Sonics. Of course, if the Abdur-Rahim for Ray Allen trade happens, all bets are off.

Damn I said "we" a lot, there, didn't I? I guess I still have a crush on an old girlfriend after all.