How to Fix the Blazers, Part 1.

Big Shot Rob has asked me to fix my beloved Trailblazers. This is how we do it.

1. Say goodbye to Darius Miles. Wondering what we do then for small forward? NOTHING. NO SMALL FORWARD. We go Randolph and Ratliff down low, and let our guards do the heavy lifting.
2. Say goodbye to Derek Anderson. Van Exel has made him expendable. Get a center for him.
3. DO NOT say goodbye to Shareef Abdur-Raheem. Let him be SF when he gets back from injury, a special kind of SF who doesn't actually play SF.
4. Um, Joel Przybilla? You are not a starting center. You're getting better, but you needs to just chill on the bench a while longer. Focus on being the seventh or eighth man. And work on the hands, man, you should be the Young American Sabonis but you're all Roberto Duran out there, it's scary.
5. It has been proven by science that only one of our two point/shooting guards can play well on any given night. Therefore, start both Van Exel and Stoudamire, and yank whoever puts up more bricks/airballs after 6 minutes, substituting Telfair. In the second half, do the same thing. This will make the first part of each half VERY INTERESTING, it'd be like a Plus1 game! I volunteer to be the on-court narrator. "OH, did you SEE that? That was SICKENING to the very CORE of MY BEING!"
6. Dump Khryapa, find us an Eastern European who can get mad sick with the dribbling. People love to watch the white guys dribble.
7. SIGN YUTA TABUSE.
8. Give Maurice Cheeks a 25-year extension, just so he can calm down a little. Plus: Jumbotron all his best facial expressions in a little inset box: Astonished! Disgusted! Laughing at life's absurdity!
9. For god's sake go back to the original uniforms, with the lowercase letters and the straight-up version of the logo instead of that italicized crapola you've been foisting upon us.
10. GET ONE DUNKER TO ELECTRIFY THE CROWD K THX BYE SEE YA IN THE PLAYOFFS

P.S. This is kind of very Chris Ryan of me but I have to say it after last night's Bucks game, my guys are all like Houston rappers en la casa:

Who Is Mike James? The Album

Paul Wall, the iced-out gringo