Saturday, October 30, 2004

Two-Fer Preview: Cavs vs. Mavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers. Subtext: Our city is an undeserved national punchline, but we don't really care because we've got swords and devil-may-care chivalry.

The Dallas Mavericks. Subtext: Our city is a smog-choked right-wing mess with horrid ghettos, but we think of ourselves as wild horses running free like Texan horses should.

Two teams standing on the precipice of getting it on. Two teams whose abbreviated nicknames happen to rhyme. Two teams that look to be among the NBA elite, which says more about the NBA than about either team. Actually, I'm thrilled about the wide open space that is the Association this year. Its ass is like whoa. Games will be fun to watch this year, even between crap teams like the Hawks (who will sneak out the 8th playoff berth but their fans won't care) and the Clips (who I don't care about except Corey Maggette better get a triple double every game or my fantasy team is FUXXORED).

But enuf about that. Like a very unstable DJ, can I get A DOUBLE BREAKDOWN?:

POINT GUARD
Cavs: Jeff McInnis/Eric Snow; Mavs: Jason Terry/Devin Harris
Advantage: MAVERICKS.

And here's why: Devin Harris is a MONSTER. I live in Madison, where he played his college ball, and the man is beloved here, because he's the nicest court assassin to ever strap on some shoes. He's sweet, soft-spoken, humble, all that -- but I've seen him do some court stuff so nasty they should call it Heather Hunter. Seriously, I see him taking Terry's job away by mid-season and rocking six assists and 14 ppg. He's my pre-season Rookie of the Year. No offense to (ballhog) Jeff Mac or Eric (weird-shaped head) Snizzle, or even to J. "Never officially played in the NBA" T., but Devin da Dude is ruud like van nistelrooy.

SHOOTING GUARD
Cavs: LeBron Jesus; Mavs: Michael Finley
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Um, DUH. Love to Mav's other Badger, but come on, damn, shut up already. LBJ should be the Philadelphia Mint because he is money.

SMALL FORWARD
Cavs: Luuuuuuuuke Jackson; Mavs: Joooooooosh Howard
Advantage: NEITHER

And here's why: eh. Jackson might become the first Oregon Duck to start in the NBA in ages and ages (that's my other team, okay, but we were soft like pre-Viagra Bob Dole), but Howard is the exact same kind of player, and neither one gives me a good feeling. Not a wash, more of a drain. If someone steps up, that team will be happy.

POWER FORWARD
Cavs: Drew Gooden; Mavs: Dirk Nowitski
Advantage: MAVERICKS BUT NOT BY AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU RACISTS

And here's why: Dirk's good, but he's not that much better than Drew, who is gonna have most of a great breakout season. Even Rob thinks so. I anticipate that Dirk's gonna fade without running buddy Nash-o. And I am well-known as a prognosticator.

CENTER
Cavs: Zydrunas "Licensed to" Ilgauskas; Mavs: Erick Dampier
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Z Dawg is gold, E Dump is silver. Burl Ives' "Silver and Gold" is better than U2's "Silver and Gold." Cavs have a scorer who can rebound, Mavs have a rebounder who can score...but only late in the game, after the real centers are all tucked into their beds dreaming about ladies who have gone through Kanye's Workout Plan.

BENCH
Advantage: Cavaliers

And here's why: Trust me on this one. I'd elaborate but my daughter had a sleepover last night and I have to go make pancakes.

COACH
Cavs: Paul Silas; Mavs: Don Nelson
Advantage: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FOR REAL? PAUL M*****F****** SILAS YOU IDIOTS

And here's why: Nelly is busy with his new double-album (failure to have heat in a 1920s-themed video with Christina Aguilera: to be fully expected), while Paul M*****F****** Silas is seeking some damn redemption fer chrissake. Come on.

FINAL ANALYSIS
I'm an idiot, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think this is a great opportunity for the Cavs if they don't muck it up. Obviously, both teams will be very good in their respective conferences. But no one's thinking about Cleveland, and they will be top-shelf. They might even win their damn division and get some good mojo going into the playoffs. If Drew Gooden has his expected-by-me-and-Rob bustup 'how the hell did he do that' year, and if ZI stays healthy all year, the Cavs will be facing off with someone at least in the semifinals. And if Dallas realizes the goodness and awesomisity of Devin Harris, they'll win a series and then fade because ERICK DAMPIER WILL NEVER WIN AN NBA TITLE.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I'm Gaga for Zaza: Milwaukee '04 NBA Champs!

Okay, probably not. But just in case, y'know? Because anything can happen this year. It's all wide open, the Bobcats might make the playoffs, the T-Wolves might be back in the lottery spot, who knows? Hell, the Sox came back from 0-3 and then made a snuff film out of the Cardinals, Kerry's looking good in the polls and the Dems are lawyered up this time, I finally found my copy of Carlinhos Brown's Omelete Man, so I'll be the one to take the bold step and call it for the Bucks this year.

With, of course, the caveat that they won't win. There's no way, I know that. But let me dream. Let's say "Who Is" Mike James kicks it in the absence of T.J. Ford; let's say Keith Van Morrison doesn't suck; let's say Joe Smith plays for a year the way he played for a whole two months last year; let's say Michael Redd is everything he was last year and more. That's a strong-ass foursome right there, except for Keith and probably Joe. And maybe Mike.

Okay, so Michael "Too Fucking Great for a Nickname" Redd is our only really good player, and he's probably too level-headed and team-focused to really take shit over. And okay, so we have an enigma at center. But what an enigma! I think Daniel Santiago is a good center for what he is, which is the Boricua Lurch. Witness:



Santiago pretty much singlehandedly escuelaed the miercoles out of "Team USA" in Athens this summer, and it looks like he's got more mobility this year, which means he broke into a trot, briefly, once. But he's not the answer. And, sadly, neither is Dan "gad zoor EECH" Gadzuric. I'm a big fan of Danny G, so is Jerry in the office, and Jerry is a retired dentist turned phone salesman so he knows everything. Gadzooks is a very handsome, very appealing, very hardworking guy; probably the only good thing ever to come out of the UCLA.

But he is not the answer. I'm throwing my delegates to Zaza Pachulia for three reasons. First, his fucking name is ZAZA PACHULIA, okay. Second, he got punched by Lorenzen Wright for throwin' 'bows and did not fade. (This was witnessed live in Memphoose by my man Chris Herringbone whom I am trying to get on this site as a writer.) Third, this quote, which I filched from the Milwaukee Urinal: "My game is just to put all my energy on the floor when I come into the game. I hustle and do my best on the floor. It is the coaches' decision, so I do whatever the coach says. I shall be ready for everything."

And dig him, he's adorable:


But here's the real reasons Milwaukee (which will not probably win it all but still I'm calling it now so you'll remember it was me) will have a great year this year:

A. Terry Porter, who looks like that bald dude who led the gang in Weird Science, remember him, he was ug-e-lee, Terry's cuter than that, but still there is kind of a resemblance. He should have been Coach of the Year last year in his FIRST YEAR COACHING, this year he'll get shafted too, he's a great frickin' coach who will not get taken seriously while dickweeds like [name lame white coach who keeps getting jobs after sucking everywhere here] get all the mad press, it's not racism but it is anti-Bucks-ism which is the same thing but very very different. Plus Porter's got Jerome Kersey as an assistant, which warms my cockles indeed, Blazer reunion awwwwww.

(T.P., runnin' thangz:)


B. Great bench support: Erick Strickland and Mau-Mau Williams and Desmond Mason are no joke sitting there waiting their turn to come in and pound on some people. Marcus Haislip will put up a couple of 20-pointers this year, watch the dunks from that guy too.

C. Michael Redd shouldering the burden ONCE AGAIN.

D. My love and support, what the hell else does a team need?

Friday, October 22, 2004

D-Unit Squads Up: Insert Lame Pistons Pun Here

I wouldn't know an Antonio McDyess if if bit me in the ass.

So I'm hoping one never does, as I have a very sensitive ass; and so I also cannot say the same thing many are saying, which is "O the Pistons they're gonna be so much better this year O man McDyess blah blah Darko after one year in the league hoody-hoo mama". Which, if you think about it, is a pretty stupid thing for many to be saying. Makes no sense.

And you know what else doesn't make sense, TRANSITION ERROR PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER Okay, fine. But I still don't know why a lot of people don't really seem convinced by what they're saying out loud. I can count on my three hands the number of people I've read that have gone on for days and weeks and months and almost over a year about the Pistons, only to end up picking the Heat because they have Shaquille O'Neilsen Ratings. As Jinx the Cat says, "Har har, it is to laugh." I'd pick Detroit over Miami in a heartbeat, because they already just beat Shaq on a better team, and because the Heat is rolling three deep AT MOST and I can't remember one of 'em.

And Detwah didn't just beat L.A., okay, they gave them the good old Viva La Sabat. (Second "Pixie and Dixie" reference, must post picture. Scuse me.)


No, it's pretty clear that it's Detroit's conference to lose; but they will, and it's going to be to whatever team runs the Detroit style of 2004 better in 2005. Yeah, those Wallaces are gonna complement each other's strengths (and compliment each other, much like Pixie and Dixie always did) e'en better than be'efore, and Chauncey is gonna be Chauncey, and we always loved that whole whisper-thin William Powell/Myrna Loy groove settled into by Tayshaun and Rip.

But come on, this whole "we love to play as a team," no stars, hard-working defense-minded athlete thing is just not a new development. I see Indiana doing this better this year, because they have a new Johnson they never had before; I see my Bucks doing this, although not in the same echelon; we got Cleveland in the same mold too. And I think that the Pistons' karma from last year will find some kind of breakdown, and I'm not sure that Larry B (despite his hot wife) will find the mojo this year. I mean, Darvin Ham? Lindsey Hunter? They're less bench-solid than they were last year, there will be more scrutiny of them so less under-radar-slippage, all that. I pick them #2 in their conference and they lose the championships in 6 games and whoever they lose to goes on to lose in 6 in the Finals.

Who they lose to, I still haven't figured out. But I won't lie to you: Detroit's powerful, but they're no dynasty. And neither were the Lakers.

I hope I'm wrong; I love Rasheeeeeed-Unit. I've been moved to inappropriate workplace swearage over this issue, but let me say it once and plainly: R.Wallace gets jobbed by the officials, he was right about the league's hunger for young dudes, he was right that David Stern makes a healthy sum -- it's like, duh, he's the commish, but it's still true -- and he was right that he could be the glue to hold a team together on its bad days.

This year, Detroit will have more bad days than last year's team. Nevertheless, they'll still be a very good team that just won't be good enough, because the copy is always better than the original. Damn.

Wow, check this out: Jinx was actually Stacey Koons!:

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Oy Vey, Baby: Blazers 2004-2005, Down the Tubes Like Usual

"Voting is something that is very important to me. Being raised in Alabama - the home of the civil rights movement, you learn to understand the importance of basic rights." - Theo Ratliff

I couldn't agree more with the Rattler. (By the way, lamest attempt to come up with a nickname, ever. This whole Nickname Frenzy thing hasn't been cute for many many many years, I consider the NBA's shark-jumping moment to be the advent of advertising monikers "Sir Charles" and "Mr. Robinson" as NBA-sponsored nicknames, and I'm not sure we've really jumped back.) Get out there and exercise your right to vote, Americans.

I'm starting by abandoning my age-old allegiance to the Trail Blazers. I've been a fan ever since moving to Oregon at like age 4 or whatever it was, but I'm walking away from them like this was Omelas. They've slipped to #2, for the reasons we all know by now: they suck and they're not much fun to watch.

Ah but there's hope:

Oh yes, Mo Cheeks is bubbling and effusive over his fourth-string guard on NBA.com! The second-year pro from Gonzalez is a hard-working hustling guy with a lot of heart: in other words, he's whiting himself into the rotation. That's awesome, good for him, Portland needed its white guy. I bet Nick Van Exel is up late, surfing the web, all like "DAMN, what can a brother do to get some praise on the official NBA website?"

I'm not hopeful for the Van Exel era in the PDX. I think he's a great player, but I also think he's this year's scapegoat. It ain't gonna be Zach Randolph, running things with his infant face and big bald head and Most Improved Player award. (I was once the Most Improved Bowler in our 6th-grade bowling league. All that meant was that I sucked before.) And it ain't gonna be Damon "I Peed in a Cup for You Portland" "Reinvigorated and Rehabilitated" "Comin' on Strong at the End of the Year for Matt's Fantasy Basketball Team but a Streaky Gunna and Still With Bad Shot Selection" Stoudamire.

Nor will the fans turn on Theo "Huxtable" Ratliff (a much improved nickname, and opens the door for Shareef A to the R to be Cockroach, until he's traded and Port-diggy gets someone lame in exchange and regrets it when Shareef gets a revenge boost and puts up 50 for five games in a row), because Portland people love the D like ladies in that Twista/R. Kelly song.

But there's more candidates for G.O.A.T., which in this case does not mean Greatest Of All Time but in fact Goat Of A Terribleseasonfortheblazers. Qyntel "Who Let the Dog Out, Oh Yeah, It Was Me, What a Shitheel" Woods will never see the hardwood, they'll figure out a way to unload him, too many dog lovers in the five oh thrizzy, it's over, he's Bill O'Reilly now. Many people will continue to bitch and moan about Sebastian "Sebastian Telfair Is Sebastian Telfair" Telfair until he has his first 10-assist game, at which point they'll love him, but there won't be many of them.

Here's the key to the Trail Blazers' season: DEREK ANDERSON. He's this year's star; I can tell because all the Blazerdancers list him as their current favorite Blazer. (Although some still have the "Bonzi Wells" and "Rasheed Wallace" tags up, bad form.) This year, DA1 comes correct and becomes the leading scorer for the Tribbianis, Damon gets mad and pouts until he realizes that he's a better PG than shooter, so he works really really hard at it and gets the starting nod, so then Van Exel pouts until he gets hurt. Up front, they go with a Randolph/Abdur-Rahim/Ratliff combo, great stuff until the other teams realize that those guys are a little soft. A team's in trouble when they have to bring Joel Pryzbilla off the bench for a little muscle.

Overall, an okay year for the Blazers because the new conference will mean a lot of confusion, and we're better than the Sonics. Of course, if the Abdur-Rahim for Ray Allen trade happens, all bets are off.

Damn I said "we" a lot, there, didn't I? I guess I still have a crush on an old girlfriend after all.