a phone call with Chris H

Chris H is my buddy from way back, we were neighbors in Brooklyn but knew each other before that. We went to several Knicks games with this dude Carlo and Chairman Jeff Mao, hanging up in the nosebleed seats at MSG, booing Anthony Mason. (Saw Shaq there his rookie year; also saw Charles Barkley try to fight every single Knick and two referees at the end of a game, total classic.) Every Saturday morning we and Chris D. would sit and watch all the taped "Batman: The Animated Series" episodes for the week while drinking coffee and doing fantastic damage to a box of donuts. Then Chris D. would leave and Chris H. and I would bullshit for hours about the NBA.

So he called me tonight and here is our opinion about many things.

Isiah Thomas: crap. CH: "It's a good time to be an Isiah-hater."
Stephon Marbury: strong, about to be dealt with Kurt Thomas.
Kurt Thomas: the better Thomas brother.
Tim Thomas: garbage.
LeBron Jesus: oh our GAWD. Me: "Okay, I believe the hype now." CH: "I believed it from day one. Dude isn't just a scorer, either; he actually passes the ball. Amazing."
Dwyane Wade: oh our GAWD. Absolute stud.
T.J. Ford: saddest story in the NBA. We both kind of hope he never plays again, one really shouldn't futz with a SPINAL INJURY. But I'm a Bucks fan, so I'm a little softer on that stance. Still though: speedy.
Sebastian Telfair: could be T.J. Ford in a few years. Like, five. If he ever bulks up to 140 lbs. and learns to drive to the hoop.
Derek Anderson: CH: "The Blazers need a shooting guard. Anderson: eh." Me: "We should deal Shareef and Van Exel for someone." CH: "Who would take Van Exel?"
Latrell Sprewell: BOTH, AT THE SAME TIME: "Shareef and Van Exel for Sprewell! It's perfect!"
Kobe Bryant: Asshole.
Shaquille O'Neal: Sweetie-pie, finally, again.
Yao Ming: lost. CH: "All these people who say 'Yao's garbage,' that's bullshit. He's a great player." Me: "Not on my fantasy team." CH: "We're not talking about that, we're talking about the NBA. All this stereotyped crap I hear about 'oh his culture, he'll never be an assertive player'...BULLSHIT." Me: "Still, he's lost, though." CH: "Oh yeah, right now, yeah."
Steve Francis: we don't like him, but he's useful.
Bob Sura: has been in the league too long to take any crap from Steve Francis.
Dwight Howard: good rookie. CH: "He's the real deal!"
Seattle: I was wrong, they're great. We both decided on that.
Josh Smith: a really good rookie. CH saw him against the Knicks, and thinks he's awesome. I saw him block Shaq from two feet on SportsCenter, that's dope.
Doug Christie: eh. CH didn't know about the wife thing, I filled him in.
Sacramento: garbage.

Some others but this is too long already. Don't be surprised if CH is the next member of Post Up Moves.

PWN3D by the Mouse

Intercepted Transmission

--Douglas. I am not happy about this.
--I'm sorry, sweetie, there's nothing I can do about it.
--Don't you "sweetie" me. A man would do something about it. Chris Webber would do something about it.
--Honey, you know as well as I do that players have no control over a trade. If the Kings want me to go to Orlando, I have to go.
--Douglas, I have spent considerable time and energy on establishing myself here as a force with which to be reckoned. Do you think I'm going to give all that up just because you can't emerge as a star of the same magnitude?
--Sugar-puss, listen. The Magic are a much better team than the Kings. They're giving up two players for me, even though I am one of the most frustratingly inconsistent players in the NBA. It's a step up, professionally and reputationally.
--Douglas, what were you before I pulled you up by my bootstraps at Pepperdine?
--A ball of potential with no direction.
--What are you now?
--[A swingman who doesn't swing, a laughing stock, a dude so lame that even beer-bellied internet assholes feel free to take pot-shots at me with impunity. And it's all because of my devotion to you, and your campaign to make sure I'm under lock and key every minute of every day.] An NBA star, dear.
--Okay then.
--...
--I guess it is kind of impressive that you are worth two humans, even if one is Cuttino Mobley and the other one is injured.
--I know, right?
--And Orlando is much more interesting than Sacramento.
--You're bigger than this town, honey. I'll take you to Disney World every day of the off-season.
--Okay, let's pack.
[smooches. end transmission]