Post Up Moves

Me-sanity

2005-04-29T10:37:00.000-07:00

WHAT DO I NEED TO DO!

Y'all don't know what it feels like to have Miami serve you up three losses in a row. I'm about ready for summer vacation already- this whole "55 minute double overtime game of ACTUALLY TRYING" is more tiring than my entire last three seasons in Toronto. And that's including press conferences and demanding trades- y'all know how draining those are. I mean, usually after demanding a trade, I've got the hit the crib, pop open some apple juice, fire up the PS2 and take my custom-made Vinsanity team (five copies of me, one of 'em jacked up a couple inches to the play the post) and beat the heck of out the 1992 Dream Team. (Sometimes, I take up the all-new Slam Dunk contest and school the heck out of my cousin, but don't let T know that).

So peep my line: 36 points, 9 rebounds, 10 assists, 3 steals. Now THAT is some heat for your ass! And we still can't win. So this is what New Jersey is like.

Well, at least RJ got some nasty dunks last night, and my boy Nenad "Cherry" Krstic is going off like crazy. Maybe next year. Maybe I'll just retire and play golf. Whatever.

The Rich Get Richer (and Taller)

2005-02-25T16:52:00.000-08:00

Man, if San Antonio's management team was any smarter, they'd be splitting the mawfuckin atom in the front office after Eastern Conf GMs go home for the night. There were a lot of flashy deals in the Association this week, but the Spurs quietly made a deal that tangibly improved an already championship-ready lineup. In exchange for Malik Rose, a solid dude but one of Popovich's least favorite guys and the only mildly bad contract on SA's books, and a couple of likely worthless draft picks, they filched New York's starting center. Nazr Mohammed's been in a little bit of a slump lately, but tell me waking up to find out you're headed to back up Rasho and ride Tim Duncan's coattails and watch the Tony and Manu Show zipping around you wouldn't snap your ass out of a slump. Nazr's probably on the plane to Texas right now staring at his finger, thinking how nice it's gonna look with that ring. Seriously though:

Mohammed lets Duncan get more rest and allows Popovich to bench Rasho when he sucks; lets Pop rely less on the fading Horry and Massenberg as his big bench dudes; and gives them legitimate defense and 6 more fouls against The Wallace Brothers or Shaquille in the Finals. Oh and his contract ends this year and isn't brutally insane, and unless he pulls some Stephen Jackson inflated self-value b.s. he'll be back for the kind of totally reasonable shine SA puts on all its boys.

Why on earth would you do this if you are New York? Technically the League rulebook does not prohibit a team comprised of five power forwards from taking the floor, but maybe when the Commish works on the bargaining agreement and rules this summer he ought to instate a rule that teams should actually be trying to win.

Let's do that again:

Bench guy with bad contract plus crappy draft picks

equals

Starting center

equals

one totally insane man:

Osh Kosh B'Josh

2005-02-22T01:06:00.000-08:00

Josh Smith’s win in Saturday’s slam dunk contest was of course huge for all Hawks fans, a leper colony of which I consider myself a fledgling member. However, J-Smoove’s triumph was even more important for me as a Josh.
According to Basketball-Reference.com, there have only been five ballers in the history of the L with the Christian handle of Josh, a trail blazed by one-year wonder Josh Grant, who averaged a trey a game for Oaktown in 1994. The ’03-’04 season brought Joshes Davis and Howard, the former drafted a Hawk but now a Sixer, the latter a former Demon Deacon turned Mav. And of course, ’04-’05 has ushered in Childress and Smith, both Hawks.
Clearly we’re living in the Golden Age of the Josh, and not just that, but the ATL seems to have established itself as the Locus of the Josh, which is great for a Josh like me who lives 60 miles away in Athens.
Before Saturday, NBA Joshes had flashed their share of promise, but had as of yet left little imprint on the L, a microcosm if you will of Josh’s nascent impact on the world at large, a fact owing mostly to the newly-minted status of the name as a common household birthright.
Maybe you think I’m overplaying this felicity, this common bond I feel J-Smoove and I share, but don’t undersell what’s in a name. For every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there, not to mention every Clifford, Dennis, and Russell, there’s a name we’re all given at birth that we have to spend the rest of our lives either fulfilling, rejecting, or negating. Some, like my latter three examples, solve this problem by adopting an alias, whether it be Mr. Meth, Ghostface, or ODB, but most of the rest of us just stick with what we’ve got, and rarely if ever consciously wonder whether we’re embodying its implicit qualities or spurning them.
All the same, “Josh” has a social status and value hung with all kinds of presumed attributes and personality quirks, just like any other name, and whether we’re aware of it or not, all of us Joshes have in common a shared relationship with our Joshness.
I definitely think certain character traits and types of behavior are couched in the name Josh, which is why I feel pretty secure in saying J-Smoove is a better, or at least more fundamentally apt, Josh than I am.
Because it’s only recently been popularized, Josh conveys youth, but it’s not just that – there’s also a definite strain of impetuousness there as well, of playfulness. It’s a normal name for normal guys who do normal things in an off-kilter way. It’s not the archetypal All-American name, but it’s not really a name for outcasts either. Josh is the jokester or the prankster of the straitlaced group, the guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously (I hope I’m a good Josh in this respect, except maybe with this piece), the guy who’s having fun and keeping it sleazy.
So yeah, I feel a kinship with Josh Smith, who’s had to be a Josh for 18 years (he’s got nothing on me there), and who’s made me as proud to be Josh as I can remember since I copped Entroducing in ’96 (and Josh Davis only gets half credit for rocking the handle DJ Shadow instead of his Christian moniker).
Oh yeah, almost forgot – I caught J-Smoove’s high-wire act in person last week as well, taking in a Hawks-Nuggets tilt that doubled as my First Actual Regular-Season NBA Game In-Person Ever, which seems like a blow to my credibility, but in my defense I spent the first 21 years of my life a good 2 ½ - 3 hours away from an NBA arena, and the Charlotte Coliseum at that. By the time I was old enough to take my damn self, George Shinn had pissed off/alienated/played grabass with enough of the Queen City that nobody actually went to the games anymore, and the eventual exodus already seemed inevitable.
Anyway, Phillips Arena was actually fairly poppin’ considering a 2-for-1 ticket special that night (my girl’s lure as well)…and yeah, I know this is gonna be sequentially twisted but I’ll post more comments/impressions/chatter about that game later, this post was supposed to be strictly about nomenclature, so I’ll leave it at that.

How to Fix the Blazers, Part 1.

2005-02-03T22:17:00.000-08:00

Big Shot Rob has asked me to fix my beloved Trailblazers. This is how we do it.

1. Say goodbye to Darius Miles. Wondering what we do then for small forward? NOTHING. NO SMALL FORWARD. We go Randolph and Ratliff down low, and let our guards do the heavy lifting.
2. Say goodbye to Derek Anderson. Van Exel has made him expendable. Get a center for him.
3. DO NOT say goodbye to Shareef Abdur-Raheem. Let him be SF when he gets back from injury, a special kind of SF who doesn't actually play SF.
4. Um, Joel Przybilla? You are not a starting center. You're getting better, but you needs to just chill on the bench a while longer. Focus on being the seventh or eighth man. And work on the hands, man, you should be the Young American Sabonis but you're all Roberto Duran out there, it's scary.
5. It has been proven by science that only one of our two point/shooting guards can play well on any given night. Therefore, start both Van Exel and Stoudamire, and yank whoever puts up more bricks/airballs after 6 minutes, substituting Telfair. In the second half, do the same thing. This will make the first part of each half VERY INTERESTING, it'd be like a Plus1 game! I volunteer to be the on-court narrator. "OH, did you SEE that? That was SICKENING to the very CORE of MY BEING!"
6. Dump Khryapa, find us an Eastern European who can get mad sick with the dribbling. People love to watch the white guys dribble.
7. SIGN YUTA TABUSE.
8. Give Maurice Cheeks a 25-year extension, just so he can calm down a little. Plus: Jumbotron all his best facial expressions in a little inset box: Astonished! Disgusted! Laughing at life's absurdity!
9. For god's sake go back to the original uniforms, with the lowercase letters and the straight-up version of the logo instead of that italicized crapola you've been foisting upon us.
10. GET ONE DUNKER TO ELECTRIFY THE CROWD K THX BYE SEE YA IN THE PLAYOFFS

P.S. This is kind of very Chris Ryan of me but I have to say it after last night's Bucks game, my guys are all like Houston rappers en la casa:

Who Is Mike James? The Album

Paul Wall, the iced-out gringo

Hoes is a-bidein me/Media ride me/King a da underground/So the streets is steady hide-in me

2005-02-02T06:34:00.000-08:00

Before the LeBron Era gets too far out of hand, I just wanna see if I can make a deal with the tabloid rags, the media vultures, the paparazzi, ESPN - PLEASE, just for LeBron, can we all be on some Roosevelt administration type shit, some Kennedy-era shit, and DO NOT DO DIRT ON THIS MAN!

I'm sayin' FDR got some cut-up on the side, JFK had his little indiscretions with wifey, and everyone kept it wrapped tight. Can't we do that with LBJ? THIS MAN IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF US. If he starts to party his life away/drink his life away/smoke his life away/fuck his life away/dream his life away/scheme his life away I don't wanna hear about none of it, no Beyond the Glory/Outside the Lines/Behind the Music features in 10-15 years, none of it. As long as Bron doesn't beat up his woman or pull some Kobe type foolishness, it's all love to me baby.

Kid's gonna make mistakes too, they all do, it's only a matter of time and I just hope they don't run him down like they did Melo this year or like they've tried to do Alley-I for about the past decade. Haters always say hoops is nothing but thugs nowadays when it's ALWAYS been nothing but thugs, just like baseball, football, hockey, tennis, advertising, journalism, politricks and the clergy have always been full of thugs, it's only now that everybody knows everybody's bidness and there are no more idols except white boys from Raleigh, NC who bite Barry Manilow.

So make me this deal, back up offa LeBron and let him do his thing, and see if he's not a hero to millions before he hangs up his sneaks.

Personally, I just don't wanna be watching LeBron playing five years from now and have my girl come in be like "fuck that deadbeat/crack slingin'/gun totin'/gang-bangin' fool, we're watching Law and Order SVU." So that's what this is really about. (Coming Soon: My Girl's 5 Favorite and Least Favorite Ballers, Look For It).

San Anfreakin' Tonio

2005-01-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

Sweet Big Baby Jesus (R.I.P.)!

In all the Suns/Sonics/resurgent Magic/Shaq 'n Wade Miami/Heir-to-the-Throne King James Cavs talk, practically everyone forgot the best team in the West and probably the entire L, San Antonio. Right now it's an easy call to say these guys are probably title contenders again this year, as they have been every year since Duncan and Mr. Robinson rolled to their first trophy before Shaq and "Number 8" swiped three in a row. In fact, if it weren't for getting punched out by a mathematically impossibly Derek Fisher buzzer-beater last year, they would have had a mighty good shot and probably a seven-game grind against Detroit in the '04 Finals. Sure, they dropped one to the Portland MASH 4077 last night, but we're right about at the regular season halfway mark, so let's look at why this team is en fuego right now.

-Le backcourt internacional: Tony Parker is the bomb, Manu Ginobili is the best player Argentina has ever produced (and dropped a freakish 48 on Phoenix a few nights back) and Brent Barry, who pundits called the best off-season acquisition and then the worst when he had a predictably slow start fitting into this already-tight rotation, is hitting his stride and three pointers galore. Barry is a savvy vet and Pop likes nothing more than combining savvy vets with his young guns, so look for Barry to provide lots of stability, plenty of rest for both the young dudes, and the kind of outside threat Duncan always needs. He's Steve Kerr 2.0, a smart as hell player with great range and fewer miles on him. He'll turn it on late and start next year ready to roll again. And just watch a few highlight reels and tell me Manu isn't the most exciting player in the game- he's not as consistent as you'd like, but he will hit the kind of shots that are literally impossible and make Charles Barkley vibrate in his seat on that gaudy-ass TNT set.

-Deep bench and defense: Bruce Bowen is still the best wing defender in the league, which is incredibly important come playoff time, when teams like Phoenix and Seattle will be relying on their fast-and-small outside players. The entire team plays good defense, even Ginobili is starting to lock down his man on occasion, and being able to fall back to Duncan in the middle for the occasional block is quite the luxury. If Robert Horry would take fewer bad shots and scope out the open jumpers, and Devin Brown would stay a bit more under control, these guys become a solid 8-9 deep, the mark of a nearly unbeatable playoff team.

-Duncan. Duh. He's flying a bit more under the radar than usual, letting his flashier guards take over games and win fourth quarters, but look at those endless games where the Spurs roll into the fourth with a double digit lead and barely break a sweat to win. That's all due to Duncan. His little turnarounds and hooks look good as ever, and two Spurs titles and three Lakers titles prove the Shaq Corollary: Your best guy can clang all the free throws he wants, as long as he does EVERYTHING else on the court. Duncan does just that.

-Black and silver uniforms rule. Post Up Moves loves Phoenix's crazy orange thing, and Lebron is singlehandedly making wine and gold an acceptable fashion statement, but seriously, what could be more intimidating than a professional set of team players in evil looking black and silver stepping into your building?

a phone call with Chris H

2005-01-20T21:02:00.000-08:00

Chris H is my buddy from way back, we were neighbors in Brooklyn but knew each other before that. We went to several Knicks games with this dude Carlo and Chairman Jeff Mao, hanging up in the nosebleed seats at MSG, booing Anthony Mason. (Saw Shaq there his rookie year; also saw Charles Barkley try to fight every single Knick and two referees at the end of a game, total classic.) Every Saturday morning we and Chris D. would sit and watch all the taped "Batman: The Animated Series" episodes for the week while drinking coffee and doing fantastic damage to a box of donuts. Then Chris D. would leave and Chris H. and I would bullshit for hours about the NBA.

So he called me tonight and here is our opinion about many things.

Isiah Thomas: crap. CH: "It's a good time to be an Isiah-hater."
Stephon Marbury: strong, about to be dealt with Kurt Thomas.
Kurt Thomas: the better Thomas brother.
Tim Thomas: garbage.
LeBron Jesus: oh our GAWD. Me: "Okay, I believe the hype now." CH: "I believed it from day one. Dude isn't just a scorer, either; he actually passes the ball. Amazing."
Dwyane Wade: oh our GAWD. Absolute stud.
T.J. Ford: saddest story in the NBA. We both kind of hope he never plays again, one really shouldn't futz with a SPINAL INJURY. But I'm a Bucks fan, so I'm a little softer on that stance. Still though: speedy.
Sebastian Telfair: could be T.J. Ford in a few years. Like, five. If he ever bulks up to 140 lbs. and learns to drive to the hoop.
Derek Anderson: CH: "The Blazers need a shooting guard. Anderson: eh." Me: "We should deal Shareef and Van Exel for someone." CH: "Who would take Van Exel?"
Latrell Sprewell: BOTH, AT THE SAME TIME: "Shareef and Van Exel for Sprewell! It's perfect!"
Kobe Bryant: Asshole.
Shaquille O'Neal: Sweetie-pie, finally, again.
Yao Ming: lost. CH: "All these people who say 'Yao's garbage,' that's bullshit. He's a great player." Me: "Not on my fantasy team." CH: "We're not talking about that, we're talking about the NBA. All this stereotyped crap I hear about 'oh his culture, he'll never be an assertive player'...BULLSHIT." Me: "Still, he's lost, though." CH: "Oh yeah, right now, yeah."
Steve Francis: we don't like him, but he's useful.
Bob Sura: has been in the league too long to take any crap from Steve Francis.
Dwight Howard: good rookie. CH: "He's the real deal!"
Seattle: I was wrong, they're great. We both decided on that.
Josh Smith: a really good rookie. CH saw him against the Knicks, and thinks he's awesome. I saw him block Shaq from two feet on SportsCenter, that's dope.
Doug Christie: eh. CH didn't know about the wife thing, I filled him in.
Sacramento: garbage.

Some others but this is too long already. Don't be surprised if CH is the next member of Post Up Moves.

PWN3D by the Mouse

2005-01-17T05:41:00.000-08:00

Intercepted Transmission

2005-01-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

--Douglas. I am not happy about this.
--I'm sorry, sweetie, there's nothing I can do about it.
--Don't you "sweetie" me. A man would do something about it. Chris Webber would do something about it.
--Honey, you know as well as I do that players have no control over a trade. If the Kings want me to go to Orlando, I have to go.
--Douglas, I have spent considerable time and energy on establishing myself here as a force with which to be reckoned. Do you think I'm going to give all that up just because you can't emerge as a star of the same magnitude?
--Sugar-puss, listen. The Magic are a much better team than the Kings. They're giving up two players for me, even though I am one of the most frustratingly inconsistent players in the NBA. It's a step up, professionally and reputationally.
--Douglas, what were you before I pulled you up by my bootstraps at Pepperdine?
--A ball of potential with no direction.
--What are you now?
--[A swingman who doesn't swing, a laughing stock, a dude so lame that even beer-bellied internet assholes feel free to take pot-shots at me with impunity. And it's all because of my devotion to you, and your campaign to make sure I'm under lock and key every minute of every day.] An NBA star, dear.
--Okay then.
--...
--I guess it is kind of impressive that you are worth two humans, even if one is Cuttino Mobley and the other one is injured.
--I know, right?
--And Orlando is much more interesting than Sacramento.
--You're bigger than this town, honey. I'll take you to Disney World every day of the off-season.
--Okay, let's pack.
[smooches. end transmission]

Hope Vince Got Jigga On The IPod

2004-12-18T05:49:00.000-08:00

OK, I wrote this before I saw Rob's post on the trade, so if it's not too redundant, just consider this a second opinion:

So VC’s gon’ be a Net (or “Carter Gets New Jersey” as EVERY SINGLE news source – ESPN, SI, SLAM – punned yesterday). This trade might make the Jigga Squad marginally better, but I think it’s no good for Vinsanity himself. I see alot of parallels between Carter’s career and Chris Webber’s – both ballyhooed college megastars who got used to winning 90% of the time, get saddled with the savior tag in the pros and then scapegoated when they can’t deliver, use up all the goodwill they had with fans, and before you know it they’re the NBA equivalent of damaged goods (you could also throw Sheed in here as well). Of course, C-Webb revitalized his game and restored his rep once he got shipped to Sacto, he still couldn’t deliver in crunch time but at least he polished himself back up into highly-coveted free-agent status and made everyone forget about that sexual assault dustup he had in ’98. The situation Vince needed is similar to the one Webber found with the Kings, one where a) he’s surrounded by guys who can do all the things Vince can’t do – rebound, play defense, hit the big shot under pressure, but where b) he’d still nominally be The Man, the marquee player. C-Webb’s had Peja to shoot, Mrs. Christie to clamp down, and most importantly Bibby to play moneyball, but still everyone defers to Chris as the “star” of the team. As lovably dysfunctional as Portland is right now, I think they could have been just that kind of fit for Vince, with Z-Bo to contribute Post-Up Moves, Ratliff with rejections, Mighty Mouse with dimes, and D-Miles with hops (maybe he could’ve even let VC borrow some). At the same time, Half Man Half Amazing would still technically be the star there, wouldn’t he? I mean, Randolph IS an all-star, but no way with his unsexy game is he takin’ any of Vince’s shine. Now instead Vince is stuck in Jersey, where not only do they have cadavers up front, but VC’s arguably the third-biggest name on the team after RJ (who essentially plays Vinsanity’s game already, just better) and Kidd. Yeah, the Nets will probably get to the play-offs now (more b/c of J-Kidd than Vince of course), but any talk of “contention” is redic – what’s to stop Shaq or Jermaine or hell even BIG BEN from dropping 40 on this team?? Maybe now they can crack triple digits every once in a while, but how are they gonna keep ANYBODY under 110? Unless they can bring in an enforcer or two, defenses are gonna feel 100% immunity to play smashmouth with VC. Expect him to be looking for a new new jersey come May.

Jason Kidd Puts Bus Ticket Out of Town on Craigslist

2004-12-17T13:43:00.000-08:00

Air Canada is reportedly about to touch down in New Jersey. Vince Carter, the Toronto Raptors swingman who is more frequently busted than my iPod, is finally on the move, headed to the Nets for Alonzo Mourning, a couple of Williamses and some draft picks. Carter, who inexplicably leads All-Star voting year after year, could help the seemingly moribund Nets spring back to life all zombie-style.

It's hard to say what this trade would do to Toronto, other than turn them into the new Blazers, but built around a skinny-ass teenage power forward (Bosh) instead of a goofy-looking rotund power forward with a similarly rotund new contract (Randolph). But then, as the Spurs, Wolves, Suns and Mavs are teaching us, this is the decade of the 4 spot.

Which means this trade ostensibly gutted New Jersey even further, taking away frontcourt depth, but let's be honest: without dealing Kidd, the Nets weren't going to get someone who can bang with Shaq or even Zydrunas Ilgauskas. And really, those are the guys they need to worry about, since they're in the East. So, a perimeter attack of Kidd, Carter and Jefferson is looking pretty dynamic. Carter's 16 ppg, three assists and three rebounds will probably bounce up a bit when he figures out he can finally stop sulking, and he easily replaces Martin's scoring punch. Kidd's speed and glitzy passing seem like a good fit for Carter, as both will egg each other on to make the nightly highlight reel.

Basically, the Nets dealt the scraps of paper they got for giving away Kenyon Martin, a bunch of junk and a great comeback story for an exciting player who will sell tickets like gangbusters and is every bit as big a jerk as Kidd. These dudes are made for each other, and a look at the standings right now, with the Knicks sitting pretty atop the Hotlantic with that gargantuan 11-11 record, Jersey has probably just popped itself right back into contention in the East.

"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls."

2004-12-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, We Worry About Marv

2004-12-03T09:54:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed this, or is Marv Albert's voice different this year? It seems lower, his dynamic range seems smaller, and it all just sounds a little muffled. Maybe he's struggling with an early winter cold or something, but it's odd. We're worried about Marv. Maybe it was Mike Fratello's fault. Now that he's off to coach Memphis, maybe Marv can get a little more air at that overstuffed commentary table.

A Bunch of Kids, An Old Glove and The Truth: Boston Celtics 04-05

2004-11-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

It hurts. It hurts to write this. It hurts because the Boston Celtics are the team this half of Post Up Moves grew up watching and rooting for, back when Larry and Kevin and Robert were the best frontcourt in the L and DJ and Ainge were ripping it up in the back, back when those dudes battled the hated-yet-beloved crosscountry rivals in LA and went to the mat within the conference with the Cavs the last time they were good and beat the living stuffing out of Dominique's Hawks just for fun occasionally and it was Celtics Pride and parquet floors and the Garden and stories of deliberately freezing visitor's locker rooms and dead spots on the wood that only Larry knew and all that lucky Irish BS.

(a pair of side notes: if you ever have the opportunity to see Larry's Celtics single-game scoring record against the Hawks, from '86 I think, on ESPN Classic or whatever, WATCH IT. You would think a record scoring game, he'd have to dominate the ball the whole time? Nope, he's barely there in the first half, yet makes the most of every shot. From everywhere. By the last few minutes, his teammates are so sick of being passed the ball when there's an 80-90 percent chance that Larry will hit it that they're throwing it right back at him, almost angry. And in the last minute the Hawks are clearing out, letting Larry score after an off-balance, falling-out-of-bounds, impossible three goes down to tie the record, knowing that letting Larry break the record will at least put the name "Atlanta Hawks" in SOME record book.)

(Other side note: Post Up jocks LeBron hard, and who doesn't, but it's worth saying again- dude has a better body and raw physical skill than MJ at the same age (remember MJ was in college at age 19; LeBron already has the body that 26 year old MJ had when he was the mayor of Domination City) and already has nearly the basketball brain and eyes that Larry did at his peak. Seriously- LeBron's total poker face on the dish-and-drive is right out of old Celts videotapes. And his teammates are still looking surprised by those passes sometimes, though they're catching on fast- the same way Larry's mates did just before the titles started rolling in.)

Anyhow it's 2004, not 1984, and these Boston Celtics belong to Paul Pierce, old hand Gary Payton, a bits-and-pieces frontcourt and a bunch of kids. No one really knows what to make of this bunch, least of all Doc Rivers, and they're certainly not title material, but in the Atlantic Division, if they pull out of the current skid, they could do alright. After all, Toronto could put up or shut up after the seemingly inevitable Vince Carter trade goes down (hasn't it been inevitable every year this century?), Illadelphia could melt down at any time and no one expects New York to dominate anything. Oh I guess the New Jersey Alonzos still play in this division too.

Anyway apparently Payton has been helping Pierce out of the sulky funk he's been in since Danny Ainge dealt away Antoine Walker- who would have expected GARY PAYTON to help anyone stop sulking, ever?- and Ricky Davis has been a model team player (what the hell?) holding down the sixth man spot after Doc told him to roleplay like it's fantasy ball and he's Vinnie The Microwave. Blount might be the third-best center in the East after Shaq and Zydrunas, but that's kind of like being the third-best Matrix movie- you suck a little bit more than the other sucky one, which totally sucks next to the awesome one. I will mail you a quarter if you managed to follow that one.

Jiri Welsch, Raef LaFrentz, mm hmm, whatever- lanky running and shooting white dudes. Ok. The real story here is the batch of rookies and second year dudes- between Al Jefferson, Marcus Banks and Delonte West, someone will break out. It just might not be this year. It's probably going to be Jefferson, a true banger in the Amare mold, who stepped right out of high school and hopefully into a bright green-and-white future. Out of three times he's broken the twenty minute mark for playing time, Mr Jefferson went 13-6 (four offensive boards!) and 16-5. But unless your name actually IS Amare or LeBron or Moses Malone, you're probably doomed to 15 minutes off the bench out of high school. Still, not so bad. Post Up Prediction: .500 team that finishes second, maybe third in the division. If Payton returns to true form, they could even win the division. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here, Celtics fans, Ainge is a man with a long term plan. Just nobody knows what it is.

okay here's the deal

2004-11-27T06:46:00.000-08:00

Rob and I have really fallen down on this whole Artest thing, but we didn't know what to say. Ultimately, the best take on it can be found here, with this a close second. (Actually the comments on SportsFilter are pretty good too, even if some of them are on some white-flight bullshit.)

I'm not going to get into all that, it's been endlessly debated, people who hate sports have their opinions, etc. Oh, and Bill Walton, coming off like the saint of the NBA when you always pussed out of the fights you helped to propagate and let Maurice Lucas do all your fighting for you (and then paid him back by naming your Grateful-Dead-loving-fourth-banana son after him to get some karmic payback but it isn't going to work), and hung out and lived with friends of the Symbionese Liberation Army, and sued the Trail Blazers for messing up your foot (they threw it out of court after ONE QUESTION: "How much cocaine were you doing?")...FURB. You're everything that was bad about the 1970s, nobody thinks you're a good hoops analyst, your shtick is tired and your taste in music is execrable and you have no friends.

All I'm saying is anyone who thinks they can throw a cup at Ron Motherfucking Artest without starting a Panic In Detroit is a stupid person. I wish John Gr33n had gotten some of what Fat Pistons' Jersey Fan got, but it's over and we shall speak no more of this matter. To paraphrase the uncle in that William Saroyan short story, "IT IS OF NO IMPORTANCE! PAY NO ATTENTION TO IT!"

In other news: Andrei Kirilenko is a stone cold killer, I have a big crush on Yuta Tabuse, and Rashard Lewis is making me look like an idiot. I based my Seattle hatred on two things: blatant Oregon bias, and my observation last year that Ray Allen can't stand the spotlight being on anyone else (a.k.a. Lewis or Flip Murray) and will start siphoning off points and touches to make himself look better. That still might happen...but actually Allen will have to miss some time when Kobe pops his arm out the socket for Allen's press-diss, so Lewis will have carte verde to keep up his bananas shooting.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Matt is just bitter because he had Lewis on his fantasy team last year and suffered with the post-Allen scoring drought. This was one of the reasons he lost the title...with two days to go...TO ROB.]

Anyway, um, Grant Hill blah blah blah Vlade Divac blah blah blah Denver blah blah blah.

reader frickin' mail

2004-11-18T04:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Moves,

I am writing to offer some constructive criticism about your adorable, if misinformed and primitive, little weblog -- or "log," if you prefer.

I must disagree with your assessments of several teams. ITEM ONE: I hope you are not a habitue of Kool-Aid, as it will rot your teeth. It appears that you are in danger of this sad fate, as you are sipping a little too much on the Phoenix Kool-Aid if you think they will beat my beloved Lakers. Don't you know that we have been very effective for many of the past few years? Now that we finally got rid of ineffective Mr. O'Neil, that nice young man Mr. Bryant will finally get to be a star. Phoenix is fine, but Steve Nash is a nightmare in sneakers, and Shawn Marion is just average.

ITEM TWO: Where is the acclaim for the Seattle Supersonics? They are off to a blazing start! You probably cannot remember back to last year, but they are very good at getting off to a blazing start. I feel confident that they, unlike last year, will do very well. I like that clean-cut Ray Allen, star of court and screen. I cannot say I approve much of Mr. Rashard Lewis' new hair, though; it is unnecessarily showy.

ITEM THREE: Marijuana is a very bad thing. You probably know that, as you are high as kites for not thinking about Charlotte. Traditionally, as you know, new teams always win many games, as they have the advantage of surprise. You'd do well to emulate their early success.

I also want to say, in the nicest way possible, that this site is poorly edited, badly written, half-baked, only three-quarter-arsed, and in need of an overall vision. Plus, y'all are just imitators of that young Chris Ryan anyway. As we used to say in summer camp up in the Adirondacks, "Get off the bozack."

Sincerely,

Edna Misinformed, D.D.S.

The Post Up Moves Lumbering Beast of a Preview Continues, Part Whatever: Los(t) Angeles Lakers

2004-11-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

God only knows. Kobe Bryant, whatever type of career he retires on eight to ten years from now, has surpassed his idol Michael Jordan in at least one ability: swinging the sharp sword of player-general manager. In one offseason, Kobe came off a sexual assault screen, drove the lane and jumped over the one the greatest coaches of the modern era, and dunked Shaq all the way to the other coast. Oh and got management to flip the entire team for pieces of a so-so Heat team and bits of junk from the less-than-so-so Celtics of last year. Damn, son.

So what the heck is leftover from the Lakers firesale? At center...Chris Mihm, freshly liberated from the sinking ship of Boston, and eventually five thousand year old man Vlade Divac, freshly liberated from the sinking ship of Sacramento. Not so bad a combo, certainly no Shaquille but Mihm can run and hustle and we all know Vlade's unique skills in passing the ball and smashing his rump on the court thirty times a game.

At the power forward, Lamar Odom, hot off a good season in Miami and ready to return to the comfy nest of obscure...whoops...Los Angeles. Odom was at least the second-best point guard on this year's Olympic team, and frequently it's best fake center, and Post Up is a fan of his bizarre position-less game. Trouble is, in a setup and pecking order as amorphous and unsettled as the Lakers, Odom's game could get lost for long stretches. If I'm Rudy T, I set Odom up down low, make him a strong second scoring option, and encourage him to run with the ball on the break so you have at least three ball-handling threats to run the floor. Oh and Brian Grant and his useless dreads will back up both big positions.

Small forward...almost an embarrasment of riches here, but I guarantee this organization manages to bungle it and fail to produce a consistent starter. Caron Butler is better than you think, provided he shakes his sophomore slump, plus he's a UConn product so go Butler. Luke Walton should get good minutes here backing him up- he was frequently the only bright spot in that dismal playoff run last year, and his weird-ass flexible game is a good fit around the other shooters.

Shooting guard- Kobe. Duh. Dude is gonna go off. Dude is also gonna take hundreds of thousands of contested, double-teamed jumpers, and shoot 40%. Maybe. He'll still lead the L in scoring.

At point guard, Chucky Atkins is fine, he can dribble and shoot the three and smiles and won't bitch out Kobe for over-handling the ball.

The bench is a mess, with Brian Cook's newly developed outside shooting vanishing in the real season, Sasha Vujacic totally overrated but able to back up both guards, Kareem Rush following in the long Lakers tradition of making special guest appearances in the playoff and vanishing in the regular season, and preseason pickup Tierre Brown doing ok but probably proving why no one wanted him too badly. Roll most of these guys up with Devean George and Jumaine Jones as junky trade bait by Christmas.

This team needs to run, run run and get Odom confident enough to draw some pressure off Kobe. Otherwise it's gonna be a very long forty win season.

Y'all don't know nothin' about this!

2004-11-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

Young! LeBron and his sleepy old white man potna Zydrun"Dat As" Il"Blow A"gauskas took on Post Up fave Phoenix last night in an absolute classic, like put that shit on ESPN CLASSIC this minute if you know what's good for you type game. Except we're only five games into the season and ultimately this one will wind up a little meaningless.

But whatever. Phoenix had control of this one from the get-go, but Amare picking up his magic number 6 and fighting off ass-splinters the rest of the way led to a serious scoring drought for the Suns, and the good mr. James saw an opening and took it. There were almost too many highlights from the last few minutes of this jawn for TV to distill and replay endlessly today; but choice moments: James brings the ball upcourt, dribbles around, scoots to the corner and drills a three. Next play, James brings ball upcourt, dribbles around, sees an opening and FUH-KING JAMS. Oh plus, with one shot left, dude catches the pass behind the three-line, sees two Suns coming for his lunch money, and shoves off to Z, who nails a three and looks like he's ready to take a nap immediately. The replay is hilarious: the two Suns, I forget who, are all "aw naw we know you're gonna try this" as the pass comes to LeBron, and then "SCREECH" slamming on the brakes cartoon style and all like "OH SNAP we forgot this kid can PASS the ball, this isn't the National Passing League son!"

Cavs win in the OT, but one more lesson to be learned- LeBron wiggling into the corner for three is the best argument so far for widening the freakin' court. Dude barely fits! Seriously!

eff a NBA, roll with the FIBA euroleague

2004-11-09T21:09:00.001-08:00

Dude if you really want to know what's going down you will hit this stuff immediately. It's insane European basketball and it's awesomely populated with top stars like Panteleimon Papaioakeim (team: Iraklis Therassoniki), Omer Onan (team: Fenerbahce), Michael McDonald (team: Anwil Wloclawek), and Sergerio Gipson (top scorer for Amsterdam's team the Demon Astronauts and no, I'm not fucking kidding you). These are the guys that will be over here pulling down monster paycheques next year, better get to know them while you can. Plus you get the deft prose to describe games: "2000 spectators saw second home victory of BC Khimki and first lose of Strasbourg in 2004/5 FEL. Russian side played preety good defense in first half and they had 13 points' advantge after 20 minutes."

You wanna talk about preety good defense, you will be talking about Carlos Boozer. I haven't weighed in on Boozer yet, but let me say this: he has become Shiva, destroyer of worlds down in the SLC. His sick fantasy digits have enlightened my team muchly so far, especially the 25 point 19 rebound magilla he put up vs. Denver on Monday. Utah is still looking for their first lose of the season, while Denver's starting to seem like maybe just a little bit overrated on account that they're not very good yet. Carmelo is adorbs but spotty; Marcus Camry is Marcus Camry; Andre Miller played for Arizona NUFF SAID; and Kenyon Martin is STILL pouting that his summer series with Redman went nowhere. Keep smilin' yo, my daughter and I watched it faithfully. Beth Littleford IS kind of hot, isn't she?

K-Mart says "Nene, yr Brazilian arse must needs stay out my way k thx bye"

Other thoughts: Houston will still win the West, even though they look pretty crap right now. I love how hoop scribes have all condemned some teams to death after only three or four games. Also, Bill Simmons' ESPN preview was PHONED THE FUCK IN this year: he was clearly running behind and in need of deadline meetage (although it wasn't fast enough, eff a preview that starts after the season begins) (and eff his buddy Chipper, no one up here was even talking about Brian Skinner). His fake Yao was funny, though. But still: Rockets might struggle early, but they have a team.

Y'know who else has a team is that Orlando Magic. Hoo-doggy: Steve On-His-Second-Franchise is rockin' the one-sleeve Iverson look and throwing down tomahawk dunks on entire voting precincts down there. Dwight Howard is playing some good puppy-dog ball, and even Kelvin Cato looked useful. I almost caught the vapors and picked him up for my team until I realized the iron-clad rule: never pick up anyone who used to play for the Trail Blazers. So I picked up Brian Grant instead because I still love him. Then I dumped Grant because HE GOT MIHMED.

I was going to say something else but I forgot. More later.

2004-2005, All Wrapped Up With a Lovely Little Bow.

2004-11-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

Here are my pre-season playoff picks for this season. They're not going to be anywhere near correct, so don't bother to rub anything in my face when the season's over.

Eastern Conference:
1. Indiana
2. Philadelphia
3. Miami
4. Detroit
5. Cleveland
6. Orlando
7. Milwaukee
8. Atlanta

Western Conference:
1. Houston
2. Phoenix
3. Utah
4. San Antonio
5. Denver
6. Dallas
7. Los Angeles
8. Minnesota

Yes, I know, I have overestimated Utah, underestimated S.A., and "failed" to pick Sacramento or New York. Mostly, that is because I kind of hate the Knicks and Chris Webber. Also, I think we're just looking at seismic disturbances in the league this year, and it's gonna be really really really fun.

For the record, I think the Eastern Conf. finals will be Indiana v. Detroit, with the Pacers winning in 6 games; they will face Houston (fresh off beating the Lakers in the finals) for the championship, and the Rockets will win.

And yeah, this means no playoffs for the PDX this year (I hope I'm wrong) and a #7 seed for the Bucks. Man, realignment did us no damn favors at all.

Two-Fer Preview: Cavs vs. Mavs

2004-10-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

The Cleveland Cavaliers. Subtext: Our city is an undeserved national punchline, but we don't really care because we've got swords and devil-may-care chivalry.

The Dallas Mavericks. Subtext: Our city is a smog-choked right-wing mess with horrid ghettos, but we think of ourselves as wild horses running free like Texan horses should.

Two teams standing on the precipice of getting it on. Two teams whose abbreviated nicknames happen to rhyme. Two teams that look to be among the NBA elite, which says more about the NBA than about either team. Actually, I'm thrilled about the wide open space that is the Association this year. Its ass is like whoa. Games will be fun to watch this year, even between crap teams like the Hawks (who will sneak out the 8th playoff berth but their fans won't care) and the Clips (who I don't care about except Corey Maggette better get a triple double every game or my fantasy team is FUXXORED).

But enuf about that. Like a very unstable DJ, can I get A DOUBLE BREAKDOWN?:

POINT GUARD
Cavs: Jeff McInnis/Eric Snow; Mavs: Jason Terry/Devin Harris
Advantage: MAVERICKS.

And here's why: Devin Harris is a MONSTER. I live in Madison, where he played his college ball, and the man is beloved here, because he's the nicest court assassin to ever strap on some shoes. He's sweet, soft-spoken, humble, all that -- but I've seen him do some court stuff so nasty they should call it Heather Hunter. Seriously, I see him taking Terry's job away by mid-season and rocking six assists and 14 ppg. He's my pre-season Rookie of the Year. No offense to (ballhog) Jeff Mac or Eric (weird-shaped head) Snizzle, or even to J. "Never officially played in the NBA" T., but Devin da Dude is ruud like van nistelrooy.

SHOOTING GUARD
Cavs: LeBron Jesus; Mavs: Michael Finley
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Um, DUH. Love to Mav's other Badger, but come on, damn, shut up already. LBJ should be the Philadelphia Mint because he is money.

SMALL FORWARD
Cavs: Luuuuuuuuke Jackson; Mavs: Joooooooosh Howard
Advantage: NEITHER

And here's why: eh. Jackson might become the first Oregon Duck to start in the NBA in ages and ages (that's my other team, okay, but we were soft like pre-Viagra Bob Dole), but Howard is the exact same kind of player, and neither one gives me a good feeling. Not a wash, more of a drain. If someone steps up, that team will be happy.

POWER FORWARD
Cavs: Drew Gooden; Mavs: Dirk Nowitski
Advantage: MAVERICKS BUT NOT BY AS MUCH AS YOU THINK YOU RACISTS

And here's why: Dirk's good, but he's not that much better than Drew, who is gonna have most of a great breakout season. Even Rob thinks so. I anticipate that Dirk's gonna fade without running buddy Nash-o. And I am well-known as a prognosticator.

CENTER
Cavs: Zydrunas "Licensed to" Ilgauskas; Mavs: Erick Dampier
Advantage: CAVALIERS

And here's why: Z Dawg is gold, E Dump is silver. Burl Ives' "Silver and Gold" is better than U2's "Silver and Gold." Cavs have a scorer who can rebound, Mavs have a rebounder who can score...but only late in the game, after the real centers are all tucked into their beds dreaming about ladies who have gone through Kanye's Workout Plan.

BENCH
Advantage: Cavaliers

And here's why: Trust me on this one. I'd elaborate but my daughter had a sleepover last night and I have to go make pancakes.

COACH
Cavs: Paul Silas; Mavs: Don Nelson
Advantage: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FOR REAL? PAUL M*****F****** SILAS YOU IDIOTS

And here's why: Nelly is busy with his new double-album (failure to have heat in a 1920s-themed video with Christina Aguilera: to be fully expected), while Paul M*****F****** Silas is seeking some damn redemption fer chrissake. Come on.

FINAL ANALYSIS
I'm an idiot, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think this is a great opportunity for the Cavs if they don't muck it up. Obviously, both teams will be very good in their respective conferences. But no one's thinking about Cleveland, and they will be top-shelf. They might even win their damn division and get some good mojo going into the playoffs. If Drew Gooden has his expected-by-me-and-Rob bustup 'how the hell did he do that' year, and if ZI stays healthy all year, the Cavs will be facing off with someone at least in the semifinals. And if Dallas realizes the goodness and awesomisity of Devin Harris, they'll win a series and then fade because ERICK DAMPIER WILL NEVER WIN AN NBA TITLE.

I'm Gaga for Zaza: Milwaukee '04 NBA Champs!

2004-10-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, probably not. But just in case, y'know? Because anything can happen this year. It's all wide open, the Bobcats might make the playoffs, the T-Wolves might be back in the lottery spot, who knows? Hell, the Sox came back from 0-3 and then made a snuff film out of the Cardinals, Kerry's looking good in the polls and the Dems are lawyered up this time, I finally found my copy of Carlinhos Brown's Omelete Man, so I'll be the one to take the bold step and call it for the Bucks this year.

With, of course, the caveat that they won't win. There's no way, I know that. But let me dream. Let's say "Who Is" Mike James kicks it in the absence of T.J. Ford; let's say Keith Van Morrison doesn't suck; let's say Joe Smith plays for a year the way he played for a whole two months last year; let's say Michael Redd is everything he was last year and more. That's a strong-ass foursome right there, except for Keith and probably Joe. And maybe Mike.

Okay, so Michael "Too Fucking Great for a Nickname" Redd is our only really good player, and he's probably too level-headed and team-focused to really take shit over. And okay, so we have an enigma at center. But what an enigma! I think Daniel Santiago is a good center for what he is, which is the Boricua Lurch. Witness:

Santiago pretty much singlehandedly escuelaed the miercoles out of "Team USA" in Athens this summer, and it looks like he's got more mobility this year, which means he broke into a trot, briefly, once. But he's not the answer. And, sadly, neither is Dan "gad zoor EECH" Gadzuric. I'm a big fan of Danny G, so is Jerry in the office, and Jerry is a retired dentist turned phone salesman so he knows everything. Gadzooks is a very handsome, very appealing, very hardworking guy; probably the only good thing ever to come out of the UCLA.

But he is not the answer. I'm throwing my delegates to Zaza Pachulia for three reasons. First, his fucking name is ZAZA PACHULIA, okay. Second, he got punched by Lorenzen Wright for throwin' 'bows and did not fade. (This was witnessed live in Memphoose by my man Chris Herringbone whom I am trying to get on this site as a writer.) Third, this quote, which I filched from the Milwaukee Urinal: "My game is just to put all my energy on the floor when I come into the game. I hustle and do my best on the floor. It is the coaches' decision, so I do whatever the coach says. I shall be ready for everything."

And dig him, he's adorable:

But here's the real reasons Milwaukee (which will not probably win it all but still I'm calling it now so you'll remember it was me) will have a great year this year:

A. Terry Porter, who looks like that bald dude who led the gang in Weird Science, remember him, he was ug-e-lee, Terry's cuter than that, but still there is kind of a resemblance. He should have been Coach of the Year last year in his FIRST YEAR COACHING, this year he'll get shafted too, he's a great frickin' coach who will not get taken seriously while dickweeds like [name lame white coach who keeps getting jobs after sucking everywhere here] get all the mad press, it's not racism but it is anti-Bucks-ism which is the same thing but very very different. Plus Porter's got Jerome Kersey as an assistant, which warms my cockles indeed, Blazer reunion awwwwww.

(T.P., runnin' thangz:)

B. Great bench support: Erick Strickland and Mau-Mau Williams and Desmond Mason are no joke sitting there waiting their turn to come in and pound on some people. Marcus Haislip will put up a couple of 20-pointers this year, watch the dunks from that guy too.

C. Michael Redd shouldering the burden ONCE AGAIN.

D. My love and support, what the hell else does a team need?

California Chaos: Sacto Rockin' The Internal Strife

2004-10-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

DATELINE: SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA

I'm here with Chris Webber, All-Star power forward for the Sacramento Kings. Chris, you're considered the franchise player on this team, and yet you spent most of last season and portions of every year on the bench with injuries. Are we going to see you stay healthy this year?

"Yes, I'm feeling great, Kings ready to roll over the division, no more Shaq, this place is ours to win."

Um, Chris, sorry for looking behind you there but your locker seems to be filled with a number of suits- very stylish suits, I might add. You're not planning on wearing them on the court, are you?

"Naw, just at this point, it's time to be prepared. I take that Boy Scout shit to heart, you know. If I do wind up on the bench, I gotta bring the class. After all, this is Sacramento, we don't have the glitz of an LA or New York or whatever, we're rockin the weird scruffy Euro dudes and ugly-ass guards and hick centers, so I gotta bring the Armani."

Back to you, Post Up Moves.

___

Here's a stat for you. Webber has played approximately 67% of the possible games in his turn as a King. That's including last year's busted-ass season where he stumbled in for 23 games, couldn't walk, shoot or run, messed with the team chemistry and rotation, vanished in the playoffs and fired off chickenshit taunts at his successor as best player and fan favorite Peja Stojakovic. Good job C-Webb! Hey, but he's back and in full effect.

Look, C-Webb was great once and might be again. The Kings have been near-championship contenders for the last few years and might have put some rings on Vlade's fingers except for a little team in Los Angeles. (Poor Vlade seems to arrive at just the wrong times.) This team will run and shoot and compete, provided they can figure out a way to stitch up the rifts between Webber and Peja and everybody else, which will be tough with everyone's favorite chainsmoking flopmeister general peeping the JetBlue flight to LA this summer. However, Post Up Moves loves Brad Miller's goofy-ass hair and game, the four-guard rotation with Christie, Bibby, Jackson and Christie's wife will be as annoying and effective as ever, Peja will continue to shoot the lights out and WATCH OUT NOW here comes former Jazzman Ostertag to keep up the bench's Overgrown Caucasian Quotient.

Despite the high OCQ, the best thing for this team to do now would be to deal C-Webb, but that can't happen due to enormous contracts and- oh yeah!- him not having any value left. They'll put it together and wind up in the playoffs, and maybe even winthe division if B-Mill continues to improve, but it ain't gonna be pretty.

D-Unit Squads Up: Insert Lame Pistons Pun Here

2004-10-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't know an Antonio McDyess if if bit me in the ass.

So I'm hoping one never does, as I have a very sensitive ass; and so I also cannot say the same thing many are saying, which is "O the Pistons they're gonna be so much better this year O man McDyess blah blah Darko after one year in the league hoody-hoo mama". Which, if you think about it, is a pretty stupid thing for many to be saying. Makes no sense.

And you know what else doesn't make sense, TRANSITION ERROR PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER Okay, fine. But I still don't know why a lot of people don't really seem convinced by what they're saying out loud. I can count on my three hands the number of people I've read that have gone on for days and weeks and months and almost over a year about the Pistons, only to end up picking the Heat because they have Shaquille O'Neilsen Ratings. As Jinx the Cat says, "Har har, it is to laugh." I'd pick Detroit over Miami in a heartbeat, because they already just beat Shaq on a better team, and because the Heat is rolling three deep AT MOST and I can't remember one of 'em.

And Detwah didn't just beat L.A., okay, they gave them the good old Viva La Sabat. (Second "Pixie and Dixie" reference, must post picture. Scuse me.)

No, it's pretty clear that it's Detroit's conference to lose; but they will, and it's going to be to whatever team runs the Detroit style of 2004 better in 2005. Yeah, those Wallaces are gonna complement each other's strengths (and compliment each other, much like Pixie and Dixie always did) e'en better than be'efore, and Chauncey is gonna be Chauncey, and we always loved that whole whisper-thin William Powell/Myrna Loy groove settled into by Tayshaun and Rip.

But come on, this whole "we love to play as a team," no stars, hard-working defense-minded athlete thing is just not a new development. I see Indiana doing this better this year, because they have a new Johnson they never had before; I see my Bucks doing this, although not in the same echelon; we got Cleveland in the same mold too. And I think that the Pistons' karma from last year will find some kind of breakdown, and I'm not sure that Larry B (despite his hot wife) will find the mojo this year. I mean, Darvin Ham? Lindsey Hunter? They're less bench-solid than they were last year, there will be more scrutiny of them so less under-radar-slippage, all that. I pick them #2 in their conference and they lose the championships in 6 games and whoever they lose to goes on to lose in 6 in the Finals.

Who they lose to, I still haven't figured out. But I won't lie to you: Detroit's powerful, but they're no dynasty. And neither were the Lakers.

I hope I'm wrong; I love Rasheeeeeed-Unit. I've been moved to inappropriate workplace swearage over this issue, but let me say it once and plainly: R.Wallace gets jobbed by the officials, he was right about the league's hunger for young dudes, he was right that David Stern makes a healthy sum -- it's like, duh, he's the commish, but it's still true -- and he was right that he could be the glue to hold a team together on its bad days.

This year, Detroit will have more bad days than last year's team. Nevertheless, they'll still be a very good team that just won't be good enough, because the copy is always better than the original. Damn.

Wow, check this out: Jinx was actually Stacey Koons!:

Newsflash!

2004-10-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

Stop the presses!

The NBA's newest franchise, the Charlotte Bobcats, have their first victory. Admittedly, it's the preseason, and it was against Portland (sorry Matt), and it was by the NCAA-worthy score of 69-63, but still!

Remember the name- Primoz Brezec! 11 points, 13 boards! Primoz will be a double-double MACHINE. And no one even knows how to pronounce his name!

Respect, fools!

Phoenix Suns: (Stouda)Mired in the Pack No Longer

2004-10-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

Even if your hometown team isn't worth the paper their team guide is printed on, take heed: they'll play at least one exciting game this year, and that will be against the Phoenix Suns. After ripping perennial underachiever Stephon Marbury out of the point, everyone's favorite kamikaze Canadian Steve Nash was brought in via a fat contract to run the ball. The question is, once he runs it downcourt, who will Nash hand it off to? Thankfully, Nash is an old hand at distributing the ball between a zillion score-first players after his tenure in Dallas, so keeping Joe Johnson, Shawn Marion, Amare Stoudamire and Clipper escapee Quentin Richardson happy should be no problem for the master of the bad haircut.

Phuture of the phranchise Stoudamire looks ready to post well over twenty points and ten rebounds and continue his ascent into Garnett territory, and dude turns 22 in a couple of weeks. 22! The only nervous note is that given Phoenix's eternal trouble in securing a decent center (holla back, Jake Voskuhl!), Amare will likely be logging a lot of time in the middle, with Johnson and Q on the wing at the same time for maximum firepower. This will probably work against any team that doesn't have a real center (ie, 90% of the L) but Post Up Moves has never been a fan of playing your superstar player out of position for any real length of time. Anyhow-

These guys are gonna rip a lot of unsuspecting teams with a true run-n-gun offense, but the thin bench and lack of a real center will keep them from scaling the oxygen-deprived heights of the West. Still- Nasty Nash jumped ship at the perfect time, as it's playoff time again in Phoenix.

Oy Vey, Baby: Blazers 2004-2005, Down the Tubes Like Usual

2004-10-16T03:44:00.000-07:00

"Voting is something that is very important to me. Being raised in Alabama - the home of the civil rights movement, you learn to understand the importance of basic rights." - Theo Ratliff

I couldn't agree more with the Rattler. (By the way, lamest attempt to come up with a nickname, ever. This whole Nickname Frenzy thing hasn't been cute for many many many years, I consider the NBA's shark-jumping moment to be the advent of advertising monikers "Sir Charles" and "Mr. Robinson" as NBA-sponsored nicknames, and I'm not sure we've really jumped back.) Get out there and exercise your right to vote, Americans.

I'm starting by abandoning my age-old allegiance to the Trail Blazers. I've been a fan ever since moving to Oregon at like age 4 or whatever it was, but I'm walking away from them like this was Omelas. They've slipped to #2, for the reasons we all know by now: they suck and they're not much fun to watch.

Ah but there's hope:

Oh yes, Mo Cheeks is bubbling and effusive over his fourth-string guard on NBA.com! The second-year pro from Gonzalez is a hard-working hustling guy with a lot of heart: in other words, he's whiting himself into the rotation. That's awesome, good for him, Portland needed its white guy. I bet Nick Van Exel is up late, surfing the web, all like "DAMN, what can a brother do to get some praise on the official NBA website?"

I'm not hopeful for the Van Exel era in the PDX. I think he's a great player, but I also think he's this year's scapegoat. It ain't gonna be Zach Randolph, running things with his infant face and big bald head and Most Improved Player award. (I was once the Most Improved Bowler in our 6th-grade bowling league. All that meant was that I sucked before.) And it ain't gonna be Damon "I Peed in a Cup for You Portland" "Reinvigorated and Rehabilitated" "Comin' on Strong at the End of the Year for Matt's Fantasy Basketball Team but a Streaky Gunna and Still With Bad Shot Selection" Stoudamire.

Nor will the fans turn on Theo "Huxtable" Ratliff (a much improved nickname, and opens the door for Shareef A to the R to be Cockroach, until he's traded and Port-diggy gets someone lame in exchange and regrets it when Shareef gets a revenge boost and puts up 50 for five games in a row), because Portland people love the D like ladies in that Twista/R. Kelly song.

But there's more candidates for G.O.A.T., which in this case does not mean Greatest Of All Time but in fact Goat Of A Terribleseasonfortheblazers. Qyntel "Who Let the Dog Out, Oh Yeah, It Was Me, What a Shitheel" Woods will never see the hardwood, they'll figure out a way to unload him, too many dog lovers in the five oh thrizzy, it's over, he's Bill O'Reilly now. Many people will continue to bitch and moan about Sebastian "Sebastian Telfair Is Sebastian Telfair" Telfair until he has his first 10-assist game, at which point they'll love him, but there won't be many of them.

Here's the key to the Trail Blazers' season: DEREK ANDERSON. He's this year's star; I can tell because all the Blazerdancers list him as their current favorite Blazer. (Although some still have the "Bonzi Wells" and "Rasheed Wallace" tags up, bad form.) This year, DA1 comes correct and becomes the leading scorer for the Tribbianis, Damon gets mad and pouts until he realizes that he's a better PG than shooter, so he works really really hard at it and gets the starting nod, so then Van Exel pouts until he gets hurt. Up front, they go with a Randolph/Abdur-Rahim/Ratliff combo, great stuff until the other teams realize that those guys are a little soft. A team's in trouble when they have to bring Joel Pryzbilla off the bench for a little muscle.

Overall, an okay year for the Blazers because the new conference will mean a lot of confusion, and we're better than the Sonics. Of course, if the Abdur-Rahim for Ray Allen trade happens, all bets are off.

Damn I said "we" a lot, there, didn't I? I guess I still have a crush on an old girlfriend after all.

Pacific Division Preview & Ludicrous Predictions Pt. 2

2004-10-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS- F U Donald Sterling for making me waste my time writing about or even thinking about this team. Having perfected the art of dangling the gleam of "3-5 years away from competitor" status in front of LA while the guys on the other side of the locker room ripped off three championships and a bonus Finals appearance, the Clips have about 1.4 fans left in town. Whatever. There's the usual glimmer of talent here but let's face it, no matter how good these guys look individually the team will at best, win just enough games to get a crappy draft pick. So let's close with an open letter to Elton Brand:

Dear Elton, I'm so sorry you're trapped on this sinking ship. I'm so sorry that you managed to cash in with a nice fat contract that will serve to deflect criticism of the ownership, except they didn't bother to sign anyone else worthwhile to say, back you up. You've got skillz and could probably be one of the top power forwards in the East right behind Jermaine and Rasheed, but sorry, you're stuck in a conference with a bunch of great guys in your spot like Pau and Zach Randolph and new imports Boozer and Kenyon and perhaps two of the greatest ever in Kevin and Timmy. So sorry. Maybe in three to five years.

Pacific Division Preview & Ludicrous Predictions

2004-10-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

WESTERN CONFERENCE, PACIFIC DIVISION
Westside runnin' this!

The NBA's offseason realignment into three divisions per conference (welcome back, welcome back, welcome back- Charlotte's back) left the Pacific Division mostly untouched, with Portland and Seattle shooting the bird to Cali and packing their bags for the new Starbucks & Microsoft Division, aka Northwest. Let's get this over with right away- the biggest news in the Pacific is not what any one team did or who arrived, but who left, and that's one Shaquille Rashaun O'Neal. The Big Aristotle philosophically took a hike to Miami and left the Pacific wide-the-frick open. Let's break it down like James Brown.

GOLDEN STATE- Chris Mullin is large and in charge of this crew these days, and while he's not inflicting the white man's hi top on everyone (as he should), he's assembled a crew that just might break out of GSW's perennial almost-losers status. The point looks nice with Speedy Claxton on the upside of his career and Derek Fisher, massively overpaid but newly swiped from the Laker firesale, looking to break out from a season under GP's sulky shadow. I remain unconvinced of Jason Richardson's talent, but he will lock down the 2 with nearly 20 ppg, and Dunleavy Jr. should do alright at the small forward. The big men on this team are still interesting- Troy Murphy will either become the bust he looks like on the surface or truly break out, but either way the eternal Cliff Robinson will bang in the power spot and throw three pointers at unsuspecting victims. GSW fans (are there any outside Oakland?) might cry over Erick Dampier's flight, but dude was just cashing on a contract year, and I like Adonal Foyle's major shot blocking skillz. These guys have a fighting chance, finally, but no one to really take over games when it matters until someone- I'm looking at you, Dunleavy- decides to step up and be The Man. (Well, they do have the clutchest clutchety clutch player with .4 seconds left on the clock in the League in Fisher, but there won't be any huge playoff games for this year's Warriors.)

The Tip-Off

2004-10-13T09:42:00.000-07:00

The short guy with the whistle is headed to center court to toss up the ball. Post Up Moves is in ya area, ready to track what could possible be the most wide-open season of NBA basketball in...well, a long-ass time. While the pros are still in twenty minutes of layups and open jumpers mode (aka the preseason), we'll be throwing up previews and merciless dissections of the nu-look NBA. Backs to the basket, y'all!